Restored

In the months leading up to the dissolution of my marriage, a lot had changed for me. My financial situation was tight. But really, that was the hardest part of the adjustment. Mike would always tell me that I shouldn't worry about money. After all, I don't get to take my things with me when I die, right? But I might die sooner if I can't buy food. In reality, it was never all THAT bad. We just had to get creative. 

Mike and I moved in together in June. Finally getting to live with him... Wake up with him everyday, go to bed next to him every night... It felt like we had just started dating again! But all the happiness he gave me and filled my heart with couldn't quite mask the darkness I felt the day that I left that courthouse no longer married.

Don't get me wrong. The feelings I had that day had nothing to do with Justin himself. I had put everything I had into my marriage. I stayed when most people would have dug a husband and mistress sized hole in the woods. He repaid me by blaming me for his actions and doing it again. And again. And again. I put blood, sweat and tears into making this doomed marriage work. Leaving the courthouse that October day made me feel like a failure. If I couldn't make that work, what business do I have in a relationship at all? I had enough issues with self worth, but that day was probably the height of my doubts. My failures were now a stack of papers with an official stamp.

I got to my car. Sat down behind the wheel. Rested my hands on my 20+ Week pregnant belly, and I just let it all take over. I ran over every mistake I ever made that led me to that day. I never felt regret, but I felt a lot of sadness. The tears that fell were for the broken home my children now had to endure. I was scared that as they grow up, they would feel like they were to blame. I cried at the realization that nothing is a sure thing. I wouldn't matter how much I love Mike and how much I did to show him that everyday, if he wanted to leave, he can. I don't have the power to make it work on my own. I'm actually NOT in control. 

That's when it hit me.

I don't need to be in control.

Mike was guarding my heart so fiercely, I didn't realize that I didn't need to be worried. No, I couldn't make it work on my own. But I didn't need to. I actually have someone in my life who was putting in just as much work as I was. He makes sure I know every single day how much he loves me. When I am down, he never dismisses me. He surrounds me with his unbreakable love until he lifts me out of the darkness. It was a two way street. What a revelation!! There are TWO people in a real relationship. TWO people who can put in their all. 

TWO people. Not one. Not three. Just two. 

Knowing that Mike actually needed me and wanted me was a hard concept for me. He had his work cut out for him to break my bad habits of keeping everything to myself. I never wanted to rock the boat so I kept my mouth shut about many things. He saw it. He hated it. He would work over time to drag things out of me so we could address any possible issues. It wasn't fair for him, really. I was getting this amazingly loving, considerate, beautiful man to share my life with. He was getting a broken, beaten down shell of a woman who had no idea how a functional relationship was supposed to work. What a raw deal for him.

The task of putting me back together did not scare him. He took pride in rebuilding my heart from the bottom up. He found ways to repair parts of me that I thought were long gone. But the most valuable thing he has done... He is showing my children how a man is supposed to treat a woman. He has shown them what a loving relationship looks like. He has restored happiness in their mothers heart.