I used to believe that I could "fake it til I make it". That I would never get a divorce because I could just tolerate and endure all the bullshit for the sake of my kids. Looking back now, I just can't believe how blind I was. How did I not see how much more it hurt my children for me to stay than it did when I finally left him?
Let me be clear in saying that while my relationship with Justin was turbulent, it was never physically abusive. There's not much I can say for the guy, but that's one thing I can. He never got violent with me nor the kids. So yay for small victories, right??
I remember the night I finally decided I would leave the house though. At one point, we had discussed that we would just stay in the house until the school year was done for the kids. Make things "easy" right? Ha! It was the end of January and he had been on duty but for some reason that I can't currently recall, he decided to come home for something. I think we had been arguing via text over me still seeing Mike. The obviously progressed and he decided we needed to do that face to face. Naturally, it resulted in a screaming match and I made him leave. I looked down the hall to see my then 6 and 4 year olds cuddle up on the couch together crying. (Insert knife to heart) That was when it hit me how toxic this all was for them. The back and forth. The arguing. All of it. I needed to call it what it was.
Over.
The next day, I gathered a few of my things and got a hotel. Justin was on leave for a while since coming off of deployment so I decided to allow him to spend that time with the kids. I didn't officially file for divorce until April, but there was still plenty of fighting in between that time.
I started staying with a friend who lived down the street to make it easier for school for the kids. Well, I was under the impression she was a friend, but I should have known better. That turned sour very quickly. It may or may not have had anything to do with the fact that she and her husband were still friends with my soon to be ex husband. Everyone knows that you can't both keep the same friends in a divorce.
But I'll never really know what happened. She took the cowards way out and had her husband tell me I had to move out. He came to my work to tell me the same day I had taken Mike to the airport to fly back home for his Nannys funeral. So, I had to pack all my things and move out all by myself. Well, my brother came the day I actually moved my things and helped me load a few of the big things :) In the six days it took me to do all that, she his in her room and avoided seeing me at all costs. We might have been able to salvage a friendship if she had at least had the balls for face me and explain to me why they needed me to move out so quickly. But hey, at least they gave me back the rent money I had already paid them so I could at least afford to move out.
It was tough. Not just like a lot of work. But it was emotionally taxing. I was a single mother who now had to move (again) with not much help. I ultimately had to move to my parents house. I was working part time and getting some financial support from Justin, but it still was not enough to be able to afford adequate housing for my kids. Probably not even enough for a studio apartment. Moving back with my parents was good and bad, as one could imagine. It had it's ups and downs, but I will always be so grateful that it was even an option for me and that my parents were willing to help. I think they were just happy that I was ending my marriage as well.
There were a lot of people who had a lot to say about the demise of my marriage. Of course most people were very happy for me and were very quick to tell me how much better off I was, even though it didn't always feel like it. My financial security was just taken from me. I'm confident that was the main reason I stayed as long as I did. I was a stay at home mom for so long. I no longer had any marketable skills. Finding a real job (not at a climbing gym...) and child care... Those were all things I didn't have to address while I was married and miserable.
No one tells you how to put your life back together. No one tells you that eating pasta every night for dinner should be considered a blessing. No one tells you that your kids will have to adjust to not being able to go to the store and get a snack just because or that our weekly trips to get FroYo are out of the question.
There was so much change in such a small amount of time. I knew that if it was hard for me to wrap my mind around it all that it MUST be difficult for the kids. But as the days went on I began to realize that they were taking it all better than I was. They still got to see their Dad on weekends. I found ways to have fun with them that didn't cost money. I protected them from as much of the ugliness as I could. They really are resilient to the motions of divorce.
As happy as most of our days were, there were plenty of days in which I wondered if I made the right choice. I'm not sure of the exact day that it finally resonated with me that I really did what was best for me and my kids, even though it meant a whole new lifestyle for us, but I know that I am raising some amazing children who have helped me more than they realize. I was ready for our divorce to be finalized so I could close that chapter. I wasn't prepared for how I would feel once that day actually came.
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