Radio Silence

Watching him walk out of my door that afternoon did more than just break my heart. It sent my walls skyrocketing right back up. It made me question everything I was doing. So do I still leave my husband? Do I just wait for him to realize his mistake? Or do I just drop both of them out of my life and move on?

He was torn. Confused. Hurting.

I could see it all. I knew the path he was going down because I had been there. I had been to the crossroads in a bad marriage where you have to make a decision. Everything inside of me was screaming to tell him it was a mistake. That she would never be able to get past our affair, but that she just wanted to string him along and leave him later so that it could be her decision and she could be the one in control. Maybe she deserved that. Maybe he was just a glutton for punishment. Either way, I knew that the realization of that had to come on his own in order for him to know for certain it was the right choice.

That day, he never told me the words I needed to hear if I was going to give up hope. He never said that he still loved his wife. His pain, his tears, were derived from having to walk away from his son as he left the home they shared. The next few weeks would yield a lot of back and forth for him. But during that time, we did not really speak. I gave him the radio silence he asked for.

At the time, we still worked together at a rock climbing gym in San Diego. He was ordered by his wife to not see me nor communicate with me, so he requested that our schedules reflect that. I think there was probably one solid week that we had no communication. But that longing to be together was stronger than we anticipated.

My husband returned home from deployment a week after Mike's wife. I had thought that I might as well just mend the fence and stick around so that I didn't have to share with my kids. That thought ended the same day I picked him up from the pier. Mike called me and asked me to meet him at the gym to talk. My husband was in the car when I took the call. At this point, though, I was through with lies and I told him I was going to meet with him.

Seeing him again, even after just a few days, and I was a wreck. I knew where my heart was. I needed him to see it. I needed him to hurry this process along and see it as well. I just needed HIM. Shortly after our meeting, we slowly began talking again via notes we would leave for eachother at work in our lockers.

Our rebeginning was underway.