No Forgiveness Necessary

Let me start by saying that I have no real regrets in the path that has brought Mike and I to where we are today. I would have changed the order of a few events had I known where the road was leading. We made a few mistakes that resulted in hurting some people. As bad as it sounds, I wouldn't change what we did because of my ex husband. As far as I'm concerned, he finally got a taste of his own medicine. Maybe, just maybe, it will make him a better man for the next woman in his life. But I'm not holding my breath. 

He had hurt me, a lot. He had wronged me in many ways. Mike dislikes him for that simple fact. He sees the destruction that was left in Justin's wake that is still present in my life. He sees how our children are still affected by their fathers empty words. He hates it. However, Mikes ex wife is a different story. 

She never hurt me. She never betrayed Mike. She wasn't always very nice. I do wish that we would have told both of our exes before things had gotten physical. At the very least, before we fell in love. 

As a result of our actions, she hates me. Naturally. While I can't blame her for how she feels, I do feel like that has to end at some point. She once told me I was just a phase. To be honest, when she said that to me, it worried me. Maybe I was a phase. Maybe we had ruined their marriage for a fling. Maybe he should go back to her. 

Then reality set in. She was angry and hurt and she would say anything if it meant creating doubt for me. It didn't last.

Almost two years later, I am no longer a phase. I am a person who will be in her sons life whether she likes it or not. Personally, I would rather have a good relationship with the person who is with my child in my absence than a volatile one. I love JT. I treat him better than I treat my own kids, probably. He and I were close for a long time. That was, until she began to poison him against me. 

I understand that I am the devil to her. But as a mother, I would never want my child to feel badly about liking someone, even if I dislike them. My ex did the same to our kids, but they are older. It didn't last long for them. I can feel the distance grow between JT and myself. It can only change over time, and I am patient enough to allow that to change and for him to see that I am not the person I am made out to be. I will never speak ill of his mother to him. I will just allow him to make up his own mind and some day he will compare my actions to her words. Hopefully he will see two very different people. 

I can't take back what I did. Truth be told, I wouldn't even if I could. I believe everything happens for a reason. I am the happiest I have ever been. I do think about it often though, the hurt I caused her. I've been her. It sucked. I endured it much longer and it made me a bitter and closed off person until Mike came along. All I can do is hope that she finds the same for herself one day. 

She confronted me one day at the gym. She said at the time that she forgave me. Her actions speak much louder that those empty words, though. I have also always believed that forgiveness is for yourself. Not the other person. There is no reason to tell someone you forgive them. It's not for them, it's for YOU. One of these days, when she finds her real happiness, it will be easier for her to forgive me for real. Mike too. 

Regardless of that fact, I will continue to love JT as I always have and treat him as I would think she would want me to. He is, after all, a part of my family. No amount of hate or discontent on her part will change that. I just wish she would put his heart before her own. 

Someday.