Parenting Truths: Baby Blocking

"He's not giving you a hard time, he's having a hard time."

Pretty profound words for a parent with an infant. 

Bishop has his needy days. Sometimes it's difficult to remember that these times are so short... It won't be long until he is running with the rest of the pack. He won't always want to curl up on my chest to take his nap. He is growing so fast. 

Some days though, it can be incredibly frustrating. I'm not the most patient person in the world, but I am more patient with my children now than I used to be. But some days, when my love gets home from a long day of work, we just want some "us" time and we want to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie. We also hope that the snuggle time leads to a little more... Fun. Usually though, Bishop has other plans. That was never an issue with my other kids... They clung to me and that was perfectly fine! My ex and I were never all that close and we could easily go weeks without being intimate. That's not the case with me and Mike.

On those days when I am needed just a little bit more by my littlest guy it can be hard. Maddening, in fact. But we have come to understand that we have forever together... These needy times for Bishop are passing way faster than we would like so we choose to take advantage of that. 

We find ways to take care of the rest :)

What This Is

One thing we should get out in the open now is that this is not, nor will it ever be, a "traditional" blog. There is no theme, no schedule, no prompt. Today I might make a post about a delicious recipe I tried out, and tomorrow I might post about my family or living in Maine. I'll never be prim and proper and I will never fit neatly into a box with a label. That goes for real life and my blog. 

What you will find here will pretty much always be raw and off the cuff. I most often blog from my phone, so you will also find grammar and spelling errors (I try my best to go back and fix those though when I see them because it bothers me). I am a mother which is synonymous with being a scatterbrain. The vast majority of my day is spent caring for my family. Sometimes I'll start a blog in the morning and not finish it for a few days. 

I'm not the type to sensor how I feel about things, and since this is my blog, I don't feel like I need to. I have always put immense value in the words I put out there, so I will always be cautious. Since I take such care with my words, I do not apologize for things I have said because when I said it, I meant it. I have been known to apologize for hurting someone's feelings, but I never take back things I've said. Deal with it.

I am not everyone's cup of tea. Most of the time, I am perfectly okay with that. There are a select few people who I wish I had a better relationship with, and at times I am hurt by their dislike for me. However, all I can do is be who I am and hope that someday they will come around. I still don't need anyone's approval to live my life the way I want, and that will never change.

Most of the people who read my blog already know me. They understand my ramblings and for some reason keep coming back for more! Im not trying to be some bloggers who's posts regularly got viral. My posts are more for me than they are for anyone else anyway.

So if you are still here, reading my nonsense, then thank you for allowing me to express myself in my most favorite way. 

Happy Friday!

Cookie Heaven

Most days, dinner seems like a mad dash. I feel like we are finally settling in to the house here in Maine and I am starting to get into a semi groove. Laundry is still my Achilles heel... But as long as the kids are fed, laundry can wait til the weekend.

One thing I have recently learned is that if I want to make a decent dinner, it takes me all day. I have to take advantage of 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there. Having a 7 month old and 4 year old to entertain while the older two are in school takes up a good portion of the day. Some nights, we end up having cold cereal for dinner because before I know it, it's 7:00. But not tonight!

I began prepping dinner at around 10. Today I made Hamburger Hobo Packets and Roasted Broccoli. Not only that, but I managed to make homemade sugar cookies! Say whaaaaaat?? I have never made homemade sugar cookies before, and the recipe I found on Pinterest did not disappoint. No rolling, no cutting. Just made them like any other cookie. Chilled then baked. They were so good in fact, I have to share. 

Ingredients:

1 C butter, softened

1 1/2 C sugar

1 1/2 tsp vanilla

1 egg

2 3/4 C flour

1 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

Preheat your oven to 350 and grease your cookie sheet.

First combine flour, baking soda and baking powder. In another bowl, cream together butter and sugar until smooth. Add egg and vanilla. Slowly blend in flour mixture (about 1/2 C at a time).

When you have everything all mixed, scrape the sides and you will have a ball that looks like this. 

In the past, I have made cookies immediately after making the dough and I have noticed that they can come out pretty thin. I highly recommend putting the dough into the refidgerator for at least an hour before baking. It also helps to press out that ball against the sides of the mixing bowl like this so that the dough cools all the way through.

When your dough is ready, you want to form balls about 1-1.5" in side and places them on a baking sheet (sprayed with cooking spray) about 2" apart. Press down slightly on each cookie as you place them on the cookie sheet.

Then you will bake at 350* for about 10-12 minutes.

You will see that the bottoms begin to get a bit golden. They came out so incredibly perfect!! They are perfectly chewy. So good! 

When they are cool enough, you can store them in a Tupperware so that they stay moist. 

Then there is a frosting... Yes. I said it. Frosting.

The recipe is as follows: 

1/2 stick butter

2 1/2 C Powdered Sugar

2 Tbs Milk

First you cream the butter in your mixer. Slowly add in the sugar. Finally add the milk. For thinner frosting, add milk 1tsp at a time. If you add too much milk and it's too thin, just add a bit more sugar. No sweat!

I think next time I make the frosting, I will make it with cream cheese instead of butter. But it's still delicious! Just keep is in a container until you are ready to frost your cookies. 

You can let your kiddos make their own and decorate them. Mine certainly had fun!

Distraction

I tried to write yesterday. Nothing I could come up with seemed intelligible. There was a lot going on here yesterday, in my defense.

Anxiety is not something I would say I have ever really suffered with. Yesterday, though, was a different story. Mike had left on Friday to go to San Diego to pick up JT. The plan was for him to get on a plane Saturday night in LA to head home. In the meantime, he got to hang out with the awesome Gomez family (I miss you guys!!!!) and even stopped in to visit my parents for a little bit.

He got to LA and all checked into their flight. They were flying standby, which meant we knew there was a chance they wouldn't get on that flight. The short version of this long draw out story is that they didn't make that flight. They didn't get on a flight until 6am the next day and I was finally able to pick then up at 530 our time Sunday evening! I went into the terminal and as soon as JT recognized me he came running with his arms out for a great big hug. That felt so good! I mean, I knew he would miss his dad, but I wasn't sure how he'd feel about not seeing me for so long. I scooped him up and squeezed him... I think I missed him more than I thought I would too. It was great to have him there in my arms! He immediately asked for Chase and Grace. I saw that coming ;)

Then I got to get my arms around Mike. Two days was too long. I know many of you military spouses are shaking your heads at me. Shake away! I've been there, done that. The difference is when I was married to the military, I wasn't married to someone I really missed when he was gone. Anytime my ex left for any amount of time, I was always just wondering who he was with instead if me. That thought never crossed my mind with Mike. Not having him home with me was physically taxing on me. Even through deployments, I never felt that way. I felt sick to my stomach the longer he was gone. It was awful. I'm just happy that it's over now and he is back home. 

We finally got home at around 8:15. It was chaos for a little while as the kids all reunited. We let them go wild for about an hour but then it was time for bed.  

Once all the activity settled down and there was no more anxiety, the feeling I was avoiding started to set in. 

Sadness. Sorrow. Remorse. Agony. Pain. Heartache. 

All of the above.

I keep photos of Harley around the house still. There's even one right on the fridge. The memory of him is painful, but I am glad I have it. That pain reminds me that at one point in my life, before Mike, I had someone who loved me more than he loved himself. 

It's said that dogs have a way of finding the people who need them. That they teach us about love when they come into our lives, and they teach us about loss when they leave. Harley did all of that and more. He came into my life at the precise moment that I needed him most. When he left, it forced me to find the strength to  begin to make change in my life. I knew I deserved better because it's what Harley had given me. I wish he could have met Moose. He would have adored him.

It's not fair to our dogs now. When I look at them, I don't feel the same way I did with Harley. I don't have that bond with them. Mike says it's because I don't need them like I needed Harley. That I haven't allowed them in as close. Maybe I am trying to keep that place in my heart just for him? No dog will ever be able to replace him. Maybe I am afraid that getting close to another dog will cause his memory to fade. I'd rather have that painful place in my heart where his memory resides than to forget. He is worth remembering. 

The days have turned to months. Now it's been two years since I last ran my fingers over those floppy ears. Two years since my tears soaked into that giant snout of his. Two years since he left this world and a gaping hole in my heart. I just miss him.

I hope he knows that. I hope he knows I love him just as intensely as he loved me.

MythBusters: Is Love Real?

Its indescribable. That feeling when you know you have found your better half. That feeling of not having any doubts in your heart, for once in your adult life. I know it's cliche, but waking up next to Mike everyday, knowing that he will spend every moment of his day with me in his heart... It's something I never experienced with another person before. That kind of love is powerful. It can mend wounds you didn't even realize we still wide open. 

When you come from a past like mine, you begin to feel like love is an unattainable privilege for perfect people without a flawed personal history. You watch movies or read romantic novels and think 'Aw, that's cute.' But you never allow yourself to believe that love like that is actually possible for you. It's not a realistic idea to be entertained. You become content just believing that it's not a real thing. You're not missing out on anything. Even if the fairy tales were true, you certainly weren't good enough to deserve anyone's undying love. But then, for reasons unknown to me, someone is sent your way to make you see the light.

The person sent to you can come in many forms. It could be your child, a great friend, a future lover... But for me... As crazy as it sounds... It was a dog.

Before you call PETA or other appropriate animal protection agencies, hear me out.

I was in the thick of my lowest point of my marriage when this sweet little white haired bundle of love came into my life. Those of you who know me know all about my Harley. I'm not going to get into the full story right now (I'm sure there will be a blog in a few days as we approach the two year mark since he left this world) but I know that he was what began to clear the fog for me. He loved me, without question. When I was sad, which was a lot when he first came to me, he was there for me. His unwavering love was something I had not experienced before. 

The love Harley gave me prepared me for the next stage in my life. I gained the strength to begin to see the toxicity of my marriage. When he left me, my world crashed down around me. Loosing him hurt me more than all the betrayals of my marriage. That told me everything I needed to know about the next chapter of my life.

Not too long after Harley passed, Mike found me. By that time I was barley putting myself back together after my devastating loss. It was enough, though, for Mike to see that there was something worth exploring. He was about to take the reigns and over see the reconstruction of my heart himself. I had met him before, but the day that we met up to do the family climbing event was different. The energy was different. When I shook his hand, it felt wrong. It felt like I should have hugged him instead. A tiny spark ignited in my heart. How was that possible? I thought it was completely burned out.

Fast forward to present day. 

Our life together is something I never dreamed of being possible for me. It's not extravagant. We had to leave behind a lot of our material things in California. We sold much of it, gave a lot away too. But they were all just things. I would not have said that three years ago. I clung to my things as though they were my identity. My things made up who I was. I needed to keep them, like a mask. They were a wonderful distraction. Once I had Mike though, I didn't need the illusions of a happy life anymore. I actually have it.

Real love exists. It's not a myth. It might be ignited in very strange and unexpected ways for you. Don't be blind to it just because it's not who you imagined it would be or that it didn't come to you in this perfectly wrapped up and predictable package. Once you experience it for real, you will be insatiable. As you should be. Don't be satisfied with just the idea of love. 

Everyone deserves real full fledged true love. It's not just for ogers or princesses. It's for you. You deserve it.

It took me far too long to realize it, but even I deserve this love.

No Forgiveness Necessary

Let me start by saying that I have no real regrets in the path that has brought Mike and I to where we are today. I would have changed the order of a few events had I known where the road was leading. We made a few mistakes that resulted in hurting some people. As bad as it sounds, I wouldn't change what we did because of my ex husband. As far as I'm concerned, he finally got a taste of his own medicine. Maybe, just maybe, it will make him a better man for the next woman in his life. But I'm not holding my breath. 

He had hurt me, a lot. He had wronged me in many ways. Mike dislikes him for that simple fact. He sees the destruction that was left in Justin's wake that is still present in my life. He sees how our children are still affected by their fathers empty words. He hates it. However, Mikes ex wife is a different story. 

She never hurt me. She never betrayed Mike. She wasn't always very nice. I do wish that we would have told both of our exes before things had gotten physical. At the very least, before we fell in love. 

As a result of our actions, she hates me. Naturally. While I can't blame her for how she feels, I do feel like that has to end at some point. She once told me I was just a phase. To be honest, when she said that to me, it worried me. Maybe I was a phase. Maybe we had ruined their marriage for a fling. Maybe he should go back to her. 

Then reality set in. She was angry and hurt and she would say anything if it meant creating doubt for me. It didn't last.

Almost two years later, I am no longer a phase. I am a person who will be in her sons life whether she likes it or not. Personally, I would rather have a good relationship with the person who is with my child in my absence than a volatile one. I love JT. I treat him better than I treat my own kids, probably. He and I were close for a long time. That was, until she began to poison him against me. 

I understand that I am the devil to her. But as a mother, I would never want my child to feel badly about liking someone, even if I dislike them. My ex did the same to our kids, but they are older. It didn't last long for them. I can feel the distance grow between JT and myself. It can only change over time, and I am patient enough to allow that to change and for him to see that I am not the person I am made out to be. I will never speak ill of his mother to him. I will just allow him to make up his own mind and some day he will compare my actions to her words. Hopefully he will see two very different people. 

I can't take back what I did. Truth be told, I wouldn't even if I could. I believe everything happens for a reason. I am the happiest I have ever been. I do think about it often though, the hurt I caused her. I've been her. It sucked. I endured it much longer and it made me a bitter and closed off person until Mike came along. All I can do is hope that she finds the same for herself one day. 

She confronted me one day at the gym. She said at the time that she forgave me. Her actions speak much louder that those empty words, though. I have also always believed that forgiveness is for yourself. Not the other person. There is no reason to tell someone you forgive them. It's not for them, it's for YOU. One of these days, when she finds her real happiness, it will be easier for her to forgive me for real. Mike too. 

Regardless of that fact, I will continue to love JT as I always have and treat him as I would think she would want me to. He is, after all, a part of my family. No amount of hate or discontent on her part will change that. I just wish she would put his heart before her own. 

Someday.

Restored

In the months leading up to the dissolution of my marriage, a lot had changed for me. My financial situation was tight. But really, that was the hardest part of the adjustment. Mike would always tell me that I shouldn't worry about money. After all, I don't get to take my things with me when I die, right? But I might die sooner if I can't buy food. In reality, it was never all THAT bad. We just had to get creative. 

Mike and I moved in together in June. Finally getting to live with him... Wake up with him everyday, go to bed next to him every night... It felt like we had just started dating again! But all the happiness he gave me and filled my heart with couldn't quite mask the darkness I felt the day that I left that courthouse no longer married.

Don't get me wrong. The feelings I had that day had nothing to do with Justin himself. I had put everything I had into my marriage. I stayed when most people would have dug a husband and mistress sized hole in the woods. He repaid me by blaming me for his actions and doing it again. And again. And again. I put blood, sweat and tears into making this doomed marriage work. Leaving the courthouse that October day made me feel like a failure. If I couldn't make that work, what business do I have in a relationship at all? I had enough issues with self worth, but that day was probably the height of my doubts. My failures were now a stack of papers with an official stamp.

I got to my car. Sat down behind the wheel. Rested my hands on my 20+ Week pregnant belly, and I just let it all take over. I ran over every mistake I ever made that led me to that day. I never felt regret, but I felt a lot of sadness. The tears that fell were for the broken home my children now had to endure. I was scared that as they grow up, they would feel like they were to blame. I cried at the realization that nothing is a sure thing. I wouldn't matter how much I love Mike and how much I did to show him that everyday, if he wanted to leave, he can. I don't have the power to make it work on my own. I'm actually NOT in control. 

That's when it hit me.

I don't need to be in control.

Mike was guarding my heart so fiercely, I didn't realize that I didn't need to be worried. No, I couldn't make it work on my own. But I didn't need to. I actually have someone in my life who was putting in just as much work as I was. He makes sure I know every single day how much he loves me. When I am down, he never dismisses me. He surrounds me with his unbreakable love until he lifts me out of the darkness. It was a two way street. What a revelation!! There are TWO people in a real relationship. TWO people who can put in their all. 

TWO people. Not one. Not three. Just two. 

Knowing that Mike actually needed me and wanted me was a hard concept for me. He had his work cut out for him to break my bad habits of keeping everything to myself. I never wanted to rock the boat so I kept my mouth shut about many things. He saw it. He hated it. He would work over time to drag things out of me so we could address any possible issues. It wasn't fair for him, really. I was getting this amazingly loving, considerate, beautiful man to share my life with. He was getting a broken, beaten down shell of a woman who had no idea how a functional relationship was supposed to work. What a raw deal for him.

The task of putting me back together did not scare him. He took pride in rebuilding my heart from the bottom up. He found ways to repair parts of me that I thought were long gone. But the most valuable thing he has done... He is showing my children how a man is supposed to treat a woman. He has shown them what a loving relationship looks like. He has restored happiness in their mothers heart.

Beginning of the End

Divorce. 

I used to believe that I could "fake it til I make it". That I would never get a divorce because I could just tolerate and endure all the bullshit for the sake of my kids. Looking back now, I just can't believe how blind I was. How did I not see how much more it hurt my children for me to stay than it did when I finally left him? 

Let me be clear in saying that while my relationship with Justin was turbulent, it was never physically abusive. There's not much I can say for the guy, but that's one thing I can. He never got violent with me nor the kids. So yay for small victories, right??

I remember the night I finally decided I would leave the house though. At one point, we had discussed that we would just stay in the house until the school year was done for the kids. Make things "easy" right? Ha! It was the end of January and he had been on duty but for some reason that I can't currently recall, he decided to come home for something. I think we had been arguing via text over me still seeing Mike. The obviously progressed and he decided we needed to do that face to face. Naturally, it resulted in a screaming match and I made him leave. I looked down the hall to see my then 6 and 4 year olds cuddle up on the couch together crying. (Insert knife to heart) That was when it hit me how toxic this all was for them. The back and forth. The arguing. All of it. I needed to call it what it was.

Over.

The next day, I gathered a few of my things and got a hotel. Justin was on leave for a while since coming off of deployment so I decided to allow him to spend that time with the kids. I didn't officially file for divorce until April, but there was still plenty of fighting in between that time. 

I started staying with a friend who lived down the street to make it easier for school for the kids. Well, I was under the impression she was a friend, but I should have known better. That turned sour very quickly. It may or may not have had anything to do with the fact that she and her husband were still friends with my soon to be ex husband. Everyone knows that you can't both keep the same friends in a divorce. 

But I'll never really know what happened. She took the cowards way out and had her husband tell me I had to move out. He came to my work to tell me the same day I had taken Mike to the airport to fly back home for his Nannys funeral. So, I had to pack all my things and move out all by myself. Well, my brother came the day I actually moved my things and helped me load a few of the big things :) In the six days it took me to do all that, she his in her room and avoided seeing me at all costs. We might have been able to salvage a friendship if she had at least had the balls for face me and explain to me why they needed me to move out so quickly. But hey, at least they gave me back the rent money I had already paid them so I could at least afford to move out. 

It was tough. Not just like a lot of work. But it was emotionally taxing. I was a single mother who now had to move (again) with not much help. I ultimately had to move to my parents house. I was working part time and getting some financial support from Justin, but it still was not enough to be able to afford adequate housing for my kids. Probably not even enough for a studio apartment. Moving back with my parents was good and bad, as one could imagine. It had it's ups and downs, but I will always be so grateful that it was even an option for me and that my parents were willing to help. I think they were just happy that I was ending my marriage as well. 

There were a lot of people who had a lot to say about the demise of my marriage. Of course most people were very happy for me and were very quick to tell me how much better off I was, even though it didn't always feel like it. My financial security was just taken from me. I'm confident that was the main reason I stayed as long as I did. I was a stay at home mom for so long. I no longer had any marketable skills. Finding a real job (not at a climbing gym...) and child care... Those were all things I didn't have to address while I was married and miserable. 

No one tells you how to put your life back together. No one tells you that eating pasta every night for dinner should be considered a blessing. No one tells you that your kids will have to adjust to not being able to go to the store and get a snack just because or that our weekly trips to get FroYo are out of the question. 

There was so much change in such a small amount of time. I knew that if it was hard for me to wrap my mind around it all that it MUST be difficult for the kids. But as the days went on I began to realize that they were taking it all better than I was. They still got to see their Dad on weekends. I found ways to have fun with them that didn't cost money. I protected them from as much of the ugliness as I could. They really are resilient to the motions of divorce. 

As happy as most of our days were, there were plenty of days in which I wondered if I made the right choice. I'm not sure of the exact day that it finally resonated with me that I really did what was best for me and my kids, even though it meant a whole new lifestyle for us, but I know that I am raising some amazing children who have helped me more than they realize. I was ready for our divorce to be finalized so I could close that chapter. I wasn't prepared for how I would feel once that day actually came.

What I Really Meant To Say...

The state of our relationship, if you could really call it that at this point, was very fragile. He was still going through the emotional roller coaster and she was still tormenting him. By that, I mean she would call him and lay on the guilt, call him names, tell him how awful he was. He just took it. He told me once that he thought he owed that to her. That if she needed to say those things to get through what he had done, that he owed it to her to let her. From what I understood of their marriage, that wasn't a new thing for her. She was simply a mean spirited person who would use words to hurt him just because she could. While I will agree that what we had done to her was not exactly nice, I feel like she wasn't taking any responsibility either. I know that Mike disagrees with me on that, but I have been the person who was cheated on as well. I understand that my actions as a wife, played a role in pushing my husband away, to a certain extent. Again, Mike disagrees with that. But I digress.

Everyday he would take these verbal beating from her. I encouraged him to just tell her that if she had nothing to say regarding their son, that there was nothing for them to talk about. Eventually, he took that advice. For a while there, he looked like Eeyore to me. Always with the dark cloud hovering over him. So I did my best to keep him distracted and keep him busy. We would go climbing, hiking, or even just out to lunch at our little spot at Liberty Station. But there was one huge difference.

I wasn't allowed to see Justin.

That didn't last too long, but longer than I wanted. I love that kid and it killed me that all of a sudden I wasn't allowed to see him anymore. That was the one thing he let her control for a little while. But again, not for long.

During this transitional period, I knew Mike was being torn to bits. He knew what he wanted, but he hated that he had to hurt his ex wife to have it. It was inevitable, but that doesn't make it any easier. My ex husband tried his own things to try to get me to come back or to reconsider leaving. But I wasn't torn. With or without Mike being in my life, I was gone. Knowing how much turmoil Mike was feeling left me in a precarious position. He was always wanting me to tell him how I was feeling or what I was thinking, but I knew it wasn't good for him to hear it. He needed to sort out his own feelings before really considering mine. However, I needed to get my feelings out there too. I was frustrated and angry and hurt by a lot of the back and forth as well, but he didn't need to know that. Not yet. I wasn't going to act like his ex wife and make him feel guilty for not feeling how I wanted him to feel. So, I went to my go to stress relief... Writing.

I started journaling on February 19, 2012. I kept a little journal that I wrote everything down in, knowing that one day I would let him read it. I felt wrong keeping my feelings from him, but I told him that I was writing it all down and once I knew he was in a better place, Id allow him to read it all and then there would be no doubts. Looking back on that journal now, I can see that I went through waves of bliss and agony. Some days were better than others and the pages tell the story of us come back to one another. It's beautiful. Here is an excerpt from 2/26/12:

"I just need to be enough. I was never enough for Justin, and I feel like I am not enough for you at the moment. Nothing you are doing outwardly is making me feel that way... It's just this idea of the reasons behind why you want to go to Bishop. I know it will be good for you. I want you to have that clarity. But selfishly, I wish I had a way of knowing that my heart won't be devastated in the aftermath.""... it just feels like all roads lead to heartache anymore. Its just crushing, the weight of all the things I am insecure about." 

It was right after that trip to Bishop that I got to see Justin again because he did gain that clarity he was looking for. From that point, I knew where I stood, and it felt amazing. I knew I was his, and he was mine. That's something he still reminds me of, every single day.

But that didn't mean that troubled days with the exes were behind us. We still had to officially file for divorce.

Radio Silence

Watching him walk out of my door that afternoon did more than just break my heart. It sent my walls skyrocketing right back up. It made me question everything I was doing. So do I still leave my husband? Do I just wait for him to realize his mistake? Or do I just drop both of them out of my life and move on?

He was torn. Confused. Hurting.

I could see it all. I knew the path he was going down because I had been there. I had been to the crossroads in a bad marriage where you have to make a decision. Everything inside of me was screaming to tell him it was a mistake. That she would never be able to get past our affair, but that she just wanted to string him along and leave him later so that it could be her decision and she could be the one in control. Maybe she deserved that. Maybe he was just a glutton for punishment. Either way, I knew that the realization of that had to come on his own in order for him to know for certain it was the right choice.

That day, he never told me the words I needed to hear if I was going to give up hope. He never said that he still loved his wife. His pain, his tears, were derived from having to walk away from his son as he left the home they shared. The next few weeks would yield a lot of back and forth for him. But during that time, we did not really speak. I gave him the radio silence he asked for.

At the time, we still worked together at a rock climbing gym in San Diego. He was ordered by his wife to not see me nor communicate with me, so he requested that our schedules reflect that. I think there was probably one solid week that we had no communication. But that longing to be together was stronger than we anticipated.

My husband returned home from deployment a week after Mike's wife. I had thought that I might as well just mend the fence and stick around so that I didn't have to share with my kids. That thought ended the same day I picked him up from the pier. Mike called me and asked me to meet him at the gym to talk. My husband was in the car when I took the call. At this point, though, I was through with lies and I told him I was going to meet with him.

Seeing him again, even after just a few days, and I was a wreck. I knew where my heart was. I needed him to see it. I needed him to hurry this process along and see it as well. I just needed HIM. Shortly after our meeting, we slowly began talking again via notes we would leave for eachother at work in our lockers.

Our rebeginning was underway.

Starter Marriages

This post was originally written May 28, 2013.

Mike says that we were on our starter marriages when we met. It was funny at the time, and then the more I think about it, the more right I feel like he is. We learned a lot. We were both married for 7 years, both got married too young. We didn't know who we were ourselves and we certainly did not know our brand new spouses all that well. We never had the time for the real 'dating' stage before just jumping right into marriages. We allowed our relationship to develop on a slow burn because of that. Although, truth be told, at the start, this is never what we intended.

Our spouses were on the same ship, deployed together. Everyone close to me knew about most of my exes indiscretions. I wore my unhappiness on my sleeve, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Mike, however, had kept his unhappiness to himself. A very well guarded secret. There are a lot of factors in all of that for him, but that is not my story to tell. He tells me that the first time we met, he knew that one day he would have me. I was drawn to him, but I didn't know why. After all, I hardly knew the guy.

A couple months after the first time we met, we were brought together again for a command rock climbing event that we coordinated on together via email. When I left that day, I knew we were going somewhere. Not because of anything that was said... it was just a feeling. The next morning, I sent him a thank you message, and our conversation just took off from there. Over the course of time, I opened up to him more than anyone else close to me. He made me feel incredibly safe. Somehow, his words resonated more with me, even though other people had told me the same thing repeatedly. "Leave him." "You deserve better." "You're better than this life." For whatever reason, it finally made sense. I had finally made the decision I should have made years ago.

After a few short weeks... I knew I was in deep with Mike. I was developing real feelings for him. After a couple months, I knew he was the one for me. But we still had a major hurdle. The ship was coming back home a couple months ahead of schedule, which gave us less time to soften the blow for our spouses. So, a few days before their return home, we just told them. It was better that they hear it from us that from someone else. For a few weeks from that point, my world was turned upside down and inside out.

I came dangerously close to loosing Mike. But I did something I never thought I'd be able to do, and in the long run it worked out in my favor.

I let him go.

-Ashleigh

Some Back Story...

This post was originally written May 23, 2013.

I feel like the events that have led my life to where it is now warranted a bit of backstory. In effort of not dragging all that out, lets just hit the main points.

I was married in 2005 to a man that I thought would forever protect my heart. A year and a half later, he was deployed and cheated on me with a female sailor, though I did not find out about this indiscretion until 2009. The night I found out was awful. I was blamed for the whole incident, accused of 'snooping', and told that had I been a better wife it never would have happened. For whatever reason, I believed it all and tried to move forward. 

Fast-forward to October of 2010, I found out about another affair. This time with a recruit that he was in charge of. He kept letters from her as well as photos she had given him that I found. This pattern was destined to continue, and I should have known better... However, I tried once again to move on as a family. 

Then in March of 2011, we were set to PCS back to San Diego from Chicago. I left a couple weeks ahead of him. During that time, he decided to drive to Virginia to see another prior recruit, but lie to me and tell me he went to see his mother, while spending all of the money he had to drive to San Diego. I found out about that one for sure when we moved into our new house and I found receipts for Virginia... which is not on the way to San Diego from Chicago. Once again, I stayed.

A couple months later I notice that he is being incredibly guarded over his phone. I wait for him to fall asleep one night and then I went through it. Sure enough, there were numerous text messages between him and (as I later found out) a female from his new command talking about inappropriate things. Once I confronted him, he smashed his phone to pieces... as if I hadn't saved the messages already. He claimed to have ended that affair, but numerous accusations kept coming from the ship saying it was still going on, and then he admitted (for once) that they did in fact hook up again on this most recent deployment. 

There were other situations that seemed off to me (being guarded over phone conversations, having profiles on adult and dating websites, insisting on having a separate phone line from me so I can't access the bill...), but these were the only ones I was able to get actual confirmation on. Somewhere along the line, I checked out. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. I'm just sorry it hadn't happened sooner.

As a result of all of this anguish I endured for a number of years, always believing that I was the problem, that I wasn't being the best wife I could have been, I finally had enough. I had this realization while he was away on deployment. Every time he would be in port for a few days and hadn't called me yet, I knew. If I have any regrets about everything, it would have to be that I didn't keep myself in check until he was home from the deployment and tell him I was leaving him face to face. Instead, I allowed myself to fall in love with someone else. 

Another married man. 

I then became the very person I hated most in this world. But at the time, and even now (while I'm being honest), it didn't matter. It didn't matter because I had finally found someone who was able to open my eyes to the kind of life I was dragging myself and my children through, and who helped me build the courage to do what I should have done long ago. 

For the rest of my life, I will always be in debt to him for saving me in the way that he did. Everyday, I look at him and I finally know what love was really supposed to feel like. I thought I knew what it was... but looking back on everything now, I realize I was wrong. People don't treat those they love the way I was treated for so long. I allowed the behavior to continue, but only with precise timing. Only until the one I was meant for came into my life.

-Ashleigh