Better you than me.

I have read a lot of heartbreaking blogs lately. Like... a lot. They have all been about the deaths of children, which is a kind of pain I hope to never know.

Something really selfish occurred to me though, that I am sure occurs to others. When we read such stories, even though we hurt for them [which is never even comparable to the parents pain] and sometimes even cry as we read them [I can admit it.] there is a little tiny part of us that is actually happy. Not happy that it happened... of course not... but happy that it wasn't us.

I think sometimes I have this crazy way of rationalizing tragedies as though there are a limited number of them, which is not true of course. But I feel like as things happen in the lives of others, it is always a lesson to cherish the moments we have, take extra precautions as necessary, and to be thankful that, this time, it wasn't us.

How incredibly selfish is that? When I really think about it, it makes me feel like an awful person. How can I be glad someone lost their child? In reality though, that is not it. It is NOT that I am happy they lost their child... that could not be further from the truth!! Part of me is just relieved that it was not MY child, nor MY story. I don't think that is too uncommon. Is it??

The idea of 'it could never happen to me' is something I link to high school health class when we talked about STDs and getting pregnant. Then I realize... hmm. I got pregnant in April of my senior year. It CAN happen to me. It did. That was one that I can say I am thankful for though :)

I know I am not invincible. Neither is my family. I just have a really hard time accepting the fact that there are things [people, situations, events] that I just can't protect my children from. I want to pull them in close and never let them venture out into the harsh, unforgiving world... but I know I can't. Unless I build some crazy bunker on an island like in Lost... now there is a thought :))

As a mom, my heart just shatters to hear stories of someone loosing their child [of all ages]. It is so hard to not just pull out of the world all together sometimes. But also as a mom, I am learning that I am not the perfect parent. I will make mistakes, have regrets and wish I could go back in time... but I am always given opportunities to be shown that I still have time. Right now. To make their lives exactly what it should be... my life has always been lived for someone else. Never for me. That's kind of hard to swallow. There are times when I just want to cut the bindings. Be free for a little while. But what would I be missing?

Too much.

Everything.

Everyone needs a little freedom, no question. I love my 'me' time. But not as much as I love looking over and seeing my baby girl snuggling with her daddy on the couch. Or as much as I love my son waltzing into my bedroom and asking me about what I did at work today. Or as much as phone calls from my oldest [even though they are just as heartbreaking] telling me how much he misses me.

I would give up e v e r y t h i n g for them. Freedom, happiness, parties, sunshine... anything.

The best part is... they aren't asking me to.

I have these amazing little people in my life that I could not imagine them NOT being in my life. So when I am forced to consider the idea that something could happen to them that I cannot control... it devastates me. When bad things happen, I will always have that little part being just slightly thankful it wasn't us. I am human.

The small stuff.

The things that make me happy these days are actually quite sad, lol.

I never hide the fact that I do NOT do laundry in our house. My husband, the wonderful and amazing man that he is, has spoiled me over the last year and a half, and has taken care of all the laundry. Now that he is back to longer working hours, its harder for him to find the time to do it. Or the energy. Not that I blame him. I still don't like doing laundry, haha. Today however, there seems to be a domestic bug up my bootie, and I'm on a roll! I have gotten the floors all cleaned, moved our kitchen table to where it was before, started laundry (and I will finish!), and even had the iron out...

Where am I??

I think being so wrapped up in school over the last few weeks has had me neglecting most of my wifely duties. Boats has never said a word about it, but still.

But the things that make me happy now, rather than even just a few years ago are as simple as taking my kids to the mall to get some new jeans (since they grow like weeds!), finding a good deal on a hoodie for the hubbs, new to-go coffee mugs from Starbucks, and yes... going to Sams Club for cleaning supplies. Honestly, before I had kids, I would dread these kinds of things. I never looked forward to getting home with a fresh bottle of floor cleaner and getting to crack it open and clean the floors. Or sitting down and sorting through laundry so I can get the kids new things washed and put up for them. Really? Its so funny how your perspective can change in just a few short years on what is important to you.

In other news, I took Kadence to the dog park yesterday. It was... interesting... to say the least. Ever since her squabbles with Link last year, she has been super agitated with strange dogs. She will snap at them, and as long as they don't snap back, she calms down and will actually play. That's a pretty hard thing to control at an off leash dog park. I took her on purpose though. She NEEDS to get over this, and I cant think of a better way than to keep exposing her to other dogs and when she realized that they aren't going to hurt her, she will slowly forget this inhibition she has. I'm hoping anyway.

We also decided to have the windows on my car tinted yesterday. What a difference it makes! It was something we debated back and forth on for a while, but we had the contact information for a guy who came to us and did a great job for cheap. Not having the windows tinted makes me feel like Im in a fishbowl, so now its much better. If I could only justify getting rims for the car since I have a burning hatred for hubcaps, Id be good. But at least $400? No thanks. Not just before the holidays anyway.

So I suppose there wasn't much of a point to this blog, but there doesnt always need to be, right? :) Have a great weekend, and say a prayer today for everyone this world lost 9 years ago today.

Thank you, times a million.

I don't have a lot of time at the moment, I have homework to finish by 11 pm tonight, but I wanted to do a quick update.

Can I just say how FLOORED I am by the overwhelming personal responses I got to my Prayer Request blog post from last week? Not only did I get just messages, phone calls, texts and emails, but I got the ultimate answer to what it was all about.

As I said in the post, I attend The Chapel in Libertyville. Its my home church, and no matter how far the Navy takes us, they will always be my first real church family. I fully credit everyone there (Lynn, Krystie, Heidi, Kim, Matt, Jeff, Thomas, Steven, Danina, Hope, Tony and so many more) for me being where I am today. No matter how short some of our interactions have been, they matter. I was broken, stubborn, cold, shut off and almost dead inside until you all became my light. I met Thomas first, and I just cant say enough of how instrumental he was in lighting my path not only to God, but to fixing my failing marriage, that has grown and flourished since then into something I never thought it could be. I could not have taken these steps towards an amazing and passionate relationship with God with out every single one of you.

I wrote my last blog with no motive other than the obvious, extra prayer! Not long after it was posted, my TGA leader called me to tell me it had her in tears. I admit, I thought she lost her marbles for a minute (haha, love ya!) but I understand that it came on a very personal level of acknowledgment that SHE is in fact making a difference. After she read it, passed it on the the TGA director, who was in a meeting and shared it with the folks there. It continued on this little path until it landed in the hands of our campus pastor, Matt who read it and decided he was going to use it in that weekends message.

Wow.

I didn't know what to say. Never in my life did I think my little ramblings on here actually affected other people in such a way.

So there I was, sitting in service and Matt pulls my blog up on his blackberry and reads a good portion of it to help inspire others to want to volunteer with TGA. I'm still pretty much at a loss for words on how that felt to me. All three of the services at my home church heard that.

Sometimes we feel pretty insignificant, and then we are shown just how wrong we are.

As you can guess, I accepted the leadership role and today was my first real day in action, though I wasn't fully expecting it yet, lol. I am surrounded by some amazing and beautiful people who are just so accepting and if I screwed anything up, they never let on!

As I sit here in the quiet, I think about all the changes in my life in the last year. I have no doubt in my mind that the me today is better, more loving, accepting, understanding, compassionate, and forgiving than the me less than a year ago.

I also know, I never could have gotten here today on my own.

So thank you. You ALL know who you are.

Mrs. J

Painfully thankful.

Finding the silver lining is not always so easy. This week has been insane, to say the least. Not only did I start school Monday, but I had a dentist appointment for the 3rd of 4 parts to these root canals. I thought that was bad enough.

Later that night, when I went to put Bug to bed, I walk into her room and it just felt different. Sometimes a change like that you just feel in your bones, and I only noticed it because I am her mom. I stop to check out the room and I realize her windows are open. Two of them.

Let me elaborate as to why that's a big deal, for starters. We live in housing. Housing, in their infinite wisdom, thought it would be smart to layout a window plan where in the lower level of the house, the windows start 3 feet from the floor. Upstairs however, where most normal people lay their children to sleep in bedrooms, the windows are about 2 feet from the floor. Bugs room was especially well thought out. All the other rooms upstairs have one window each. Her? Four. Genius, right?

So at first I think 'Ok... so they opened the windows.' Then I realized that 'they' were my kids. That 'they' had to have done it when they were playing in there while I was in the shower earlier in the day. That's when I realized that 'they' had also pushed out one of the screens.

I felt like I was punched in the gut. My heart began to race, a cold sweat spread across my goosebumped skin, my head was spinning.

I fixed the screen and locked the windows again. As I lock them, I realize that Bubba as the only one who could have unlocked them, and to do that he had to very deliberately stand up on the ledge since the top lock is pretty high up. Any number of things could have happened and they were all running through my mind at the same time.

There was an image in my mind I could not get out. Pulling into the drive way from the dentist appointment I complained about and seeing my precious Bug laying in the drive way. The thought makes me sick.

After having a stern 'talk' (more like a panicked plea that surely scared the hell out of them both) I closed their doors and went to my room and collapsed. Her window had to be like that all during her nap. I cant get out of my head how many things could have happened.

But nothing happened.

They were both fine. No tumbles out of the window. No injury. Nothing.

Never in my life have I been so thankful for 'nothing'.

I hit my knees at the side of my bed just sobbing. Totally unable to comprehend all the 'what ifs'. I began to pray, professing the massive amounts of thanks that were in order.

That sounds like enough to top off a day. Please. Not in this house.

Around midnight, Bug begins to cry in her room. Boats goes in to see what is the matter, and then calls for my help. He comes back to our room and into the bathroom because his hand went into a large amount of puke. Lovely. I go into her room, slightly annoyed with him. He has left her sitting there in the middle of all that puke, in the dark, to go wash off his fingers. I get her undressed and into the tub while he loads up the washing machine.

When the puking did not subside, I took her to the ER. They gave her a zofran and sent us on our way. 'Food poisoning' they said.

Last I checked... 'food poisoning' is not contagious.

I was sick the next morning, and all day on Tuesday. Bubba was a big helper and Bug was feeling like herself again. If you notice the time of this post, you might be thinking something changed. You might be right.

Bubba woke up tonight, puking. I thought it had skipped him. Wrong. Poor guy. He woke up calling for Daddy, who didn't want to get up. I went to get him and after telling my husband that his son was now sick with what Bug had, do you think he got up to help? Nope. While I realize his work hours have him spread thin, his children need him and his lack of understanding that is really getting under my skin. He is overlooking important things (like open windows when laying Bug down for a nap) which says to me that his job is actually beginning to endanger our kids, and that's not something I am ok with. Bubba has been crying as we sit on the couch with a bowl for him to puke in for his Daddy, but I know I cant wake him. Why? Because he will just be mad and complain about how tired he is, and then fall asleep letting Bubba fend for himself while he is sick.

I know that if he was not working these long hours under a lot of stress, none of this would be the case. I know the difference between 'on push daddy' and 'off push daddy'. I'm not a fan of 'on push daddy' at the moment. While I am trying to be understanding, I have a hard time allowing my kids to actually suffer because he has an incompetent hip-hop (first time on push RDC, in case you were wondering) and feels like he has to be the hero for them.

But what about them?


So while I sit up at almost 2 am, with hands smelling of puke and a weak and scared four year old finally dozing off after a two hour puking spree, he gets to sleep soundly. Maybe there are times when he gets up early to go to work and he resents me for being able to sleep in. Its not about who does more. Its not a pissing contest. I would suffer silently if I were the only one doing so.

Its not me I'm worried about.

So that silver lining is evading me right except for this: there might be a stomach bug wreaking havoc in my house right now, but overall, my children are healthy. Thanks to someone looking out for my babies, they were not hurt by the window incident. My husband might be working long hours leaving him emotionally unavailable (and physically) to me and the kids, at least he is working.

But even in knowing we are blessed beyond measure doesn't stop me for wanting the hurt in my babies to stop when all they want is Daddy. How do I explain to them that Daddies job is taking priority over them? Or how do I explain to him the damage he is doing without it seeming like a guilt trip. Long hours are better than being deployed, but he is now here just enough to make the kids confused as to why when Daddy is home, he would rather be sleeping, or he is only home for 20 minutes to grab food and is then gone again. Maybe this is enough complaining for one night. I have a sick boy to get into bed since his puking has stopped for now.

Mrs. J

Changed perspective.

Do you ever get that feeling that God is working in your life in ways you never though would really matter?

I do. [Right now actually.]

I got some great news today, that I'm not quite ready to share here just yet. Some folks know, but its something I want to keep just with those I actually know for a while :) But its a new challenge for me and my family that we are excited and eager to take on! We are blessed beyond measure.

I could go on and on right now, but I am in a bit of pain. I had a dentist appointment this morning and I was thinking we would take care of a couple of my fillings. I have a lot of work to be done since its been about 8 years since my last real visit. I found an incredible dentist here and I saw him a few months ago for my initial consult.

That's when the laundry list of $12,000 worth of work hit me. Yea.

When I got in, I chatted with the tech for a while since the doctor was finishing with the patient before me. By the time he gets over to me, I was feeling less anxious. That didn't last long. He dropped the bomb.

"We are going to take care of those two root canals today." Said so calmly. Like its something I do everyday. I know HE does. But me? Definitely not.

"Um, I don't think I have time. I have to be outta here by 1230 and its already 1130." I really did have a time crunch. Justin had to be at work.

"That's plenty of time!" So stinkin cheerful. By this point, I'm not in the mood for cheerful. More like a morphine drop and tequila. He sensed my anxiety and asked if I wanted the gas.

DUH.

I do know that comes with a cost though. I was financially prepared for a couple fillings, not root canals! Add nitrous on top of that... I didn't want to know. The awesome dentist that he is though, told me he would give it to me at no extra cost. I'm pretty sure the fact that I went from a chipper and talkative girl, to a pale white hot mess on the verge of tears is what swayed him on that one.

So I got my gas and he gave me the shots in my gums. First time drilling, felt it.
More shots.
Second try. Felt it.
More shots.
Third times the charm? Not quite.
More shots.
Finally I was numb enough that he could get to work. I would feel a little bit of pain here and there, but I talked myself out of it. It wasn't excruciating, so I could deal. I mean, lets be real. He must have thought I was nuts being such a baby even though I have all these tattoos! Its a different kind of pain though. Way different!

When I left, I made my next appointment for the second part (yea... mm hmm.) and got my prescriptions, paid way more than I had been prepared to, and made a pit stop to clean the drool and white flecky stuff off my face. I let Boats know what we did and he was pretty shocked too. Probably more shocked that the phone call was from my cell and not from a police station. He even asked 'Did they put you to sleep?' Haha. I love how well he knows me!

So after all of this, I still feel grateful.

No, its not the meds talkin! Although, I might sing a different tune when it wares off. :)

One thing the tech pointed out, is that if I had known I was in for not just one, but TWO root canals today, I would have worked myself up so much, I probably would have been sick. And she is totally right. With my past experience with dentists, I would have psyched myself out so much that I probably would have canceled my appointment. Now that it is done, even though there is another step and then crowns to talk about, I am so thankful. I didn't cry. I didn't have an anxiety attack. I didn't even curse at anyone! More than that, I am now excited to get the rest of the work done. I am ready to get my teeth where they need to be and not be self conscious of my smile anymore.

One dentist screwed me up 8 years ago. And this one fixed me. There isn't enough thanks in the world.

-Mrs. J

Taking shelter.

Last night sent me to a new level of scared. There is something about that fleeting moment when you feel like the lives of your children are in danger, and there is nothing you can do about it but cover their tiny bodies with your own, and pray for the best. Terrifying doesn't cover it. My heart beat was audible as it pounded out of my chest.

When I went to bed, we were under tornado warning, but we have been before and nothing has come of it. My eyes were closed for maybe 15 minutes and then the alarms went off directing us to take shelter immediately. Boats(my hubby) and I flew into the kids rooms and grabbed them up and hauled butt downstairs. Poor Bug was freaking out and shaking, clinging to me for dear life, but it was only a response to my panic. They boys were scared, but they were really helping out by comforting Bug.

The second time the sirens went off, we cleared out our inner closet. You read that right. A closet. Its the only place we have to take shelter in a tornado in out house. It is the central point of the lower lever with no windows. Not having a basement BLOWS.

So while Boats is standing out side like all the other genius men in our neighborhood (lol), the kids and I are chillin' in the closet watching Oprah and I am facebookin' from my phone. I swear, I got more info from Facebook that the news! A lot of people said they didn't even hear the sirens. There is one like right outside our house, so of course we heard it. Our poor dog (a Great Dane mind you...) got put in the bathroom with our two cats. There is no way we would have ALL fit into the closet. I cant wait to move back to California and just have earthquakes!

While we were in the closet, the kids and I all held hands and we prayed. Prayed the God would put his arms around our community and our friends and their families and keep everyone safe and the devastation to a minimum and no life loss. That seems to be the case, so I am grateful for that. I am actually about to shoot an email out to everyone in my small group making sure everyone is ok since we are all scattered through the county.

Today is going to be spent cleaning up the house so that Boats wont have to worry about it while we are gone, and finishing up the packing which is almost done. We have a lot of stuff! I think we will get it all though and hopefully my stress level isn't through the roof.

On another note, I recently signed up to go back to school. I am SUPER excited! Classes begin on August 23, and I was able to order my books last night. I am starting with my associates since the MyCAA wont pay for a BA, but I can move to that after I get the AA so long as I stick with my same school, Ill know ALL my credits will transfer to my BA, and possibly my Masters one day. I am going to major in Criminal Justice. I think I always knew that's the direction Id go in, but I wanted to focus on raising my family. Now that Bug is two, Bubba is 4 and Blondie is 6, I can start to work on a degree for when Bug is finally in school. I should have my BA by then, and Ill definitely be able to find good work. Maybe even a job that will help me pay for my Masters!

I guess I lied in my last blog, this one had nothing to do with my title! Haha. Maybe Ill get around to posting a second blog later on. I'm on a roll!

-Mrs. J