Before you get to be called a blended family, you are called a broken home. That doesn't seem accurate, or fair.
My family was "broken" long before I left my husband. Once I actually left, it began to heal.
Through the healing process, as we all know by now, I had an amazing man by my side. It's hard to say exactly when he became a permanent fixture. As in, the moment there was no longer a chance he might leave. If I had to pin down a time frame, Id say it was around April 2013. You know, when we became "Facebook Official".
Things would have been a lot less complicated if neither one of us had children. Even if just one of us had children. However, in this day and age that's just not very common. Both of us having children made us an immediate family of 6.
We have similar parenting styles, but there are a few differences. Parenting our own children was easy enough. But parenting each others children? That's where things got difficult. Many days it felt like it was always "his" and "mine".
Discipline is a tricky thing when it's not your child. I mean, it was always easy enough to handle friends kids wen they were just over for a night or the afternoon. But when its a kid you have to live with... That's a whole new ball game. You have to enforce some sort of structure or you're just a joke. If you take the "cool step parent" route and choose a more hands off method and never enforce punishments, you're a push over. Kids are smart and they know who to manipulate and to what extent. I'm not okay with being manipulated.
All of the kids have their own set of issues. Grace will cry anytime she is asked to do something she doesn't want to do. That's the only time she will ever say she misses her dad. Convenient, right? Chase is a terrible liar, but he tries to get away with it too often. He also has this awful habit of fidgeting all the time when you are talking to him. Nathin will play dumb. He's a smart kid, but he will try to pretend like he is ignorant about something thinking it will get him out of a chore. And eye contact is a concept this kid struggles with. Justin cries about everything and will do his best to manipulate everyone around him to do everything for him like putting on socks. He's going to be 5 soon. Put on your own socks. But these are all issues that stem from their other homes allowing them to get away with certain things. Then they try to push that same envelope with us. Not happening.
Mike is a very straight forward person. We both believe in spanking, but not extensively. In the last two years I can probably count on both hands the number of times any of the kids got spanked. What we can't seem to get past is spanking each other's kids. I don't think it's okay. I'm not okay with spanking his kid, and I am not okay with him sparking mine. If discipline has to get to that extreme, we do it ourselves. But guess who has figured that out? These smart ass kids.
If I am gone, Chase and Grace will tend to push the envelope a little more with Mike because they realize he won't spank them. Although, that's not too smart because he comes up with other equally punitive punishments. Lying is the one thing that will really set him off. None of the kids are great liars either... so they always get caught. Physical labor has become the punishment of choice. At least for Chase and Grace.
I don't have a whole lot of patients for a super needy kid. Especially when it comes to things I KNOW they can do on their own. I also don't deal well with a kid telling me what to do. You need me to help you with something, you ASK. You don't stick your shoe in my face while saying "I can't tie this." I also can't handle crying for no apparent reason. What? Go to your room until you can compose yourself. These kids are not babies (except of course, the baby) and I refuse to treat them as such. When I have SEEN you put your own jacket on, all by yourself, that means I know you can do it on your own! Just because today is Monday does not mean you have suddenly forgotten how to do it! If you want to go outside bad enough, I guess you'll figure it out. You want to try to blame the other kids for something you got caught doing? Cool. We know you're full of crap. So you won't be going to soccer this week.
Having been at home these last few months has been a crash course in how to deal with all of the drama that comes with kids. I admit, I was ill prepared. We don't like breaking it down to "yours" and "mine" when it comes to the kids. A few days have felt like we have had that stand off. In the end, we talk it out and come up with a new plan of attack for the next time it comes up. I can't say enough how communication is key when co-parenting. If you aren't on the same page, the kids will smell the blood in the water. These kids are OUR kids. No special treatment. No getting babied by me because someone got in trouble by Mike, and vice versa.
Communicate with each other, and communicate with your kids. You will have bad days. Days where you get all momma bear and think "Don't you talk to my kids that way!". But it's all a process. A very important process. You are essentially blending 4 families, not just two (and in our case, 5). It's important to understand that there is a learning curve because the kids pick up bad habits from the other homes. I'm sure they return to those homes with what the other family considers a "bad habit". It's just the cycle of things. But don't stress too much, because you will also have amazing days. Days when you will see your daughter experience fear that has her seek out her step dad to soothe. Moments like that will warm your heart so much that any of the recent bad days will be forgotten.
Stay strong. Remember that you are working towards the same goal: Raising kind, independent and respectful children to send out into this world. Show each other and your children abounding love at all times. Don't take it personally when the kids ask about their other parents... they are a part of their family too. It won't be like this for long... don't miss a moment.
If I am gone, Chase and Grace will tend to push the envelope a little more with Mike because they realize he won't spank them. Although, that's not too smart because he comes up with other equally punitive punishments. Lying is the one thing that will really set him off. None of the kids are great liars either... so they always get caught. Physical labor has become the punishment of choice. At least for Chase and Grace.
I don't have a whole lot of patients for a super needy kid. Especially when it comes to things I KNOW they can do on their own. I also don't deal well with a kid telling me what to do. You need me to help you with something, you ASK. You don't stick your shoe in my face while saying "I can't tie this." I also can't handle crying for no apparent reason. What? Go to your room until you can compose yourself. These kids are not babies (except of course, the baby) and I refuse to treat them as such. When I have SEEN you put your own jacket on, all by yourself, that means I know you can do it on your own! Just because today is Monday does not mean you have suddenly forgotten how to do it! If you want to go outside bad enough, I guess you'll figure it out. You want to try to blame the other kids for something you got caught doing? Cool. We know you're full of crap. So you won't be going to soccer this week.
Having been at home these last few months has been a crash course in how to deal with all of the drama that comes with kids. I admit, I was ill prepared. We don't like breaking it down to "yours" and "mine" when it comes to the kids. A few days have felt like we have had that stand off. In the end, we talk it out and come up with a new plan of attack for the next time it comes up. I can't say enough how communication is key when co-parenting. If you aren't on the same page, the kids will smell the blood in the water. These kids are OUR kids. No special treatment. No getting babied by me because someone got in trouble by Mike, and vice versa.
Communicate with each other, and communicate with your kids. You will have bad days. Days where you get all momma bear and think "Don't you talk to my kids that way!". But it's all a process. A very important process. You are essentially blending 4 families, not just two (and in our case, 5). It's important to understand that there is a learning curve because the kids pick up bad habits from the other homes. I'm sure they return to those homes with what the other family considers a "bad habit". It's just the cycle of things. But don't stress too much, because you will also have amazing days. Days when you will see your daughter experience fear that has her seek out her step dad to soothe. Moments like that will warm your heart so much that any of the recent bad days will be forgotten.
Stay strong. Remember that you are working towards the same goal: Raising kind, independent and respectful children to send out into this world. Show each other and your children abounding love at all times. Don't take it personally when the kids ask about their other parents... they are a part of their family too. It won't be like this for long... don't miss a moment.
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