Harley.

After everything began to hit me this last week, I had to come to some harsh realizations. The puppy I had been waiting so long for, I now could not afford. I was having to think about moving across the country, back home with my parents, and while being with them is a welcoming thought, getting there is not. Its going to be expensive, a pain in the butt and a bigger change than I want. We were going to be moving soon anyway, but now there is a different weight to it. Every mile I will drive is another mile wedged me between my heart and my husband. I still hope he comes to his senses before its too late. But I digress.

I had had my heart set on Harley from before he was born. That's how long I have been talking with his breeder, Sandy. Even then, I felt like God was at work with bringing this puppy to me. There is a really long back story to all that, but again, off point :). When Boats decided he wanted a divorce, everything had changed for me. How could I afford this move, as well as paying for the puppy? I already had sent my deposit for him (though I wont give an actual price on here for privacy of myself and for Sandy) which was 1/3 of the cost. The balance was set to be paid when I picked him up. As much as it killed me, I wrote to her and told her the whole story. A few days passed and she hadn't changed my name off of the website as to being his new family yet. She emailed me about it and told me she just wanted to give me time to be sure. I prayed and prayed that God would help me know if this was the right choice for me. If it was, and it truly was meant for me and Harley to be together, then He would show me a way to help me in the financial crisis. Imagine my disappointment when a stack of cash did not materialize before my eyes! (Just kidding Big Guy!) Instead, I think he spoke to Sandy's heart. She already had made it clear she wanted Harley to be in my family, which makes my heart just swell with thanks. I knew she needed to be sure I could care for him otherwise in this whole mess, and I absolutely can. I would by pass bills before he, the kids or Kadence went without something they needed. Anyone remember the $600 emergency vet trip for Kadence? Haha.

Wow, I'm awful about getting off point today...

Anyway! Our conversation continues, as did my prayers, and eventually the outcome is that Sandy and her generous heart will be working with me on the financial aspect so that Harley can be here with me. She brought up a great point that he will be hugely beneficial in my healing process through all of this. I was sick with wondering how I was going to break the news to Chase, and now I don't have to. All because one woman is so amazingly kind and loves her dogs and wants what is best for them, no matter what that means. Much like me in that aspect. Who else would cook meals for their dog every night?? There should be meetings for that...

So, in all of this storm of doubt and guilt and desperation came this glimmer of light that I thought was lost to me. I was pleasantly surprised to know that in the midst of the chaos, its possible to still feel the pitter patter of happiness in my heart. After having to hold Chase last night as he sobbed because he was sad because he knew mommy was sad, we need this. I am both honored and amazed that I am being trusted in such a way by someone who, by most accounts, is a stranger. She does not know me, and she owes me nothing. Yet she is gifting me with this opportunity.

Just as I was loosing sight of humanity in people, she rides in riding the proverbial white horse. Or Dane... whatever works :)



Sandy, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing this piece of joy into our lives at a time when I didn't think there was any left in this world. You are a truly amazing person, with a beautiful heart, and I look forward to a long friendship with you!

-Ash

Painfully thankful.

Finding the silver lining is not always so easy. This week has been insane, to say the least. Not only did I start school Monday, but I had a dentist appointment for the 3rd of 4 parts to these root canals. I thought that was bad enough.

Later that night, when I went to put Bug to bed, I walk into her room and it just felt different. Sometimes a change like that you just feel in your bones, and I only noticed it because I am her mom. I stop to check out the room and I realize her windows are open. Two of them.

Let me elaborate as to why that's a big deal, for starters. We live in housing. Housing, in their infinite wisdom, thought it would be smart to layout a window plan where in the lower level of the house, the windows start 3 feet from the floor. Upstairs however, where most normal people lay their children to sleep in bedrooms, the windows are about 2 feet from the floor. Bugs room was especially well thought out. All the other rooms upstairs have one window each. Her? Four. Genius, right?

So at first I think 'Ok... so they opened the windows.' Then I realized that 'they' were my kids. That 'they' had to have done it when they were playing in there while I was in the shower earlier in the day. That's when I realized that 'they' had also pushed out one of the screens.

I felt like I was punched in the gut. My heart began to race, a cold sweat spread across my goosebumped skin, my head was spinning.

I fixed the screen and locked the windows again. As I lock them, I realize that Bubba as the only one who could have unlocked them, and to do that he had to very deliberately stand up on the ledge since the top lock is pretty high up. Any number of things could have happened and they were all running through my mind at the same time.

There was an image in my mind I could not get out. Pulling into the drive way from the dentist appointment I complained about and seeing my precious Bug laying in the drive way. The thought makes me sick.

After having a stern 'talk' (more like a panicked plea that surely scared the hell out of them both) I closed their doors and went to my room and collapsed. Her window had to be like that all during her nap. I cant get out of my head how many things could have happened.

But nothing happened.

They were both fine. No tumbles out of the window. No injury. Nothing.

Never in my life have I been so thankful for 'nothing'.

I hit my knees at the side of my bed just sobbing. Totally unable to comprehend all the 'what ifs'. I began to pray, professing the massive amounts of thanks that were in order.

That sounds like enough to top off a day. Please. Not in this house.

Around midnight, Bug begins to cry in her room. Boats goes in to see what is the matter, and then calls for my help. He comes back to our room and into the bathroom because his hand went into a large amount of puke. Lovely. I go into her room, slightly annoyed with him. He has left her sitting there in the middle of all that puke, in the dark, to go wash off his fingers. I get her undressed and into the tub while he loads up the washing machine.

When the puking did not subside, I took her to the ER. They gave her a zofran and sent us on our way. 'Food poisoning' they said.

Last I checked... 'food poisoning' is not contagious.

I was sick the next morning, and all day on Tuesday. Bubba was a big helper and Bug was feeling like herself again. If you notice the time of this post, you might be thinking something changed. You might be right.

Bubba woke up tonight, puking. I thought it had skipped him. Wrong. Poor guy. He woke up calling for Daddy, who didn't want to get up. I went to get him and after telling my husband that his son was now sick with what Bug had, do you think he got up to help? Nope. While I realize his work hours have him spread thin, his children need him and his lack of understanding that is really getting under my skin. He is overlooking important things (like open windows when laying Bug down for a nap) which says to me that his job is actually beginning to endanger our kids, and that's not something I am ok with. Bubba has been crying as we sit on the couch with a bowl for him to puke in for his Daddy, but I know I cant wake him. Why? Because he will just be mad and complain about how tired he is, and then fall asleep letting Bubba fend for himself while he is sick.

I know that if he was not working these long hours under a lot of stress, none of this would be the case. I know the difference between 'on push daddy' and 'off push daddy'. I'm not a fan of 'on push daddy' at the moment. While I am trying to be understanding, I have a hard time allowing my kids to actually suffer because he has an incompetent hip-hop (first time on push RDC, in case you were wondering) and feels like he has to be the hero for them.

But what about them?


So while I sit up at almost 2 am, with hands smelling of puke and a weak and scared four year old finally dozing off after a two hour puking spree, he gets to sleep soundly. Maybe there are times when he gets up early to go to work and he resents me for being able to sleep in. Its not about who does more. Its not a pissing contest. I would suffer silently if I were the only one doing so.

Its not me I'm worried about.

So that silver lining is evading me right except for this: there might be a stomach bug wreaking havoc in my house right now, but overall, my children are healthy. Thanks to someone looking out for my babies, they were not hurt by the window incident. My husband might be working long hours leaving him emotionally unavailable (and physically) to me and the kids, at least he is working.

But even in knowing we are blessed beyond measure doesn't stop me for wanting the hurt in my babies to stop when all they want is Daddy. How do I explain to them that Daddies job is taking priority over them? Or how do I explain to him the damage he is doing without it seeming like a guilt trip. Long hours are better than being deployed, but he is now here just enough to make the kids confused as to why when Daddy is home, he would rather be sleeping, or he is only home for 20 minutes to grab food and is then gone again. Maybe this is enough complaining for one night. I have a sick boy to get into bed since his puking has stopped for now.

Mrs. J

Changed perspective.

Do you ever get that feeling that God is working in your life in ways you never though would really matter?

I do. [Right now actually.]

I got some great news today, that I'm not quite ready to share here just yet. Some folks know, but its something I want to keep just with those I actually know for a while :) But its a new challenge for me and my family that we are excited and eager to take on! We are blessed beyond measure.

I could go on and on right now, but I am in a bit of pain. I had a dentist appointment this morning and I was thinking we would take care of a couple of my fillings. I have a lot of work to be done since its been about 8 years since my last real visit. I found an incredible dentist here and I saw him a few months ago for my initial consult.

That's when the laundry list of $12,000 worth of work hit me. Yea.

When I got in, I chatted with the tech for a while since the doctor was finishing with the patient before me. By the time he gets over to me, I was feeling less anxious. That didn't last long. He dropped the bomb.

"We are going to take care of those two root canals today." Said so calmly. Like its something I do everyday. I know HE does. But me? Definitely not.

"Um, I don't think I have time. I have to be outta here by 1230 and its already 1130." I really did have a time crunch. Justin had to be at work.

"That's plenty of time!" So stinkin cheerful. By this point, I'm not in the mood for cheerful. More like a morphine drop and tequila. He sensed my anxiety and asked if I wanted the gas.

DUH.

I do know that comes with a cost though. I was financially prepared for a couple fillings, not root canals! Add nitrous on top of that... I didn't want to know. The awesome dentist that he is though, told me he would give it to me at no extra cost. I'm pretty sure the fact that I went from a chipper and talkative girl, to a pale white hot mess on the verge of tears is what swayed him on that one.

So I got my gas and he gave me the shots in my gums. First time drilling, felt it.
More shots.
Second try. Felt it.
More shots.
Third times the charm? Not quite.
More shots.
Finally I was numb enough that he could get to work. I would feel a little bit of pain here and there, but I talked myself out of it. It wasn't excruciating, so I could deal. I mean, lets be real. He must have thought I was nuts being such a baby even though I have all these tattoos! Its a different kind of pain though. Way different!

When I left, I made my next appointment for the second part (yea... mm hmm.) and got my prescriptions, paid way more than I had been prepared to, and made a pit stop to clean the drool and white flecky stuff off my face. I let Boats know what we did and he was pretty shocked too. Probably more shocked that the phone call was from my cell and not from a police station. He even asked 'Did they put you to sleep?' Haha. I love how well he knows me!

So after all of this, I still feel grateful.

No, its not the meds talkin! Although, I might sing a different tune when it wares off. :)

One thing the tech pointed out, is that if I had known I was in for not just one, but TWO root canals today, I would have worked myself up so much, I probably would have been sick. And she is totally right. With my past experience with dentists, I would have psyched myself out so much that I probably would have canceled my appointment. Now that it is done, even though there is another step and then crowns to talk about, I am so thankful. I didn't cry. I didn't have an anxiety attack. I didn't even curse at anyone! More than that, I am now excited to get the rest of the work done. I am ready to get my teeth where they need to be and not be self conscious of my smile anymore.

One dentist screwed me up 8 years ago. And this one fixed me. There isn't enough thanks in the world.

-Mrs. J