Watching him walk out of my door that afternoon did more than just break my heart. It sent my walls skyrocketing right back up. It made me question everything I was doing. So do I still leave my husband? Do I just wait for him to realize his mistake? Or do I just drop both of them out of my life and move on?
He was torn. Confused. Hurting.
I could see it all. I knew the path he was going down because I had been there. I had been to the crossroads in a bad marriage where you have to make a decision. Everything inside of me was screaming to tell him it was a mistake. That she would never be able to get past our affair, but that she just wanted to string him along and leave him later so that it could be her decision and she could be the one in control. Maybe she deserved that. Maybe he was just a glutton for punishment. Either way, I knew that the realization of that had to come on his own in order for him to know for certain it was the right choice.
That day, he never told me the words I needed to hear if I was going to give up hope. He never said that he still loved his wife. His pain, his tears, were derived from having to walk away from his son as he left the home they shared. The next few weeks would yield a lot of back and forth for him. But during that time, we did not really speak. I gave him the radio silence he asked for.
At the time, we still worked together at a rock climbing gym in San Diego. He was ordered by his wife to not see me nor communicate with me, so he requested that our schedules reflect that. I think there was probably one solid week that we had no communication. But that longing to be together was stronger than we anticipated.
My husband returned home from deployment a week after Mike's wife. I had thought that I might as well just mend the fence and stick around so that I didn't have to share with my kids. That thought ended the same day I picked him up from the pier. Mike called me and asked me to meet him at the gym to talk. My husband was in the car when I took the call. At this point, though, I was through with lies and I told him I was going to meet with him.
Seeing him again, even after just a few days, and I was a wreck. I knew where my heart was. I needed him to see it. I needed him to hurry this process along and see it as well. I just needed HIM. Shortly after our meeting, we slowly began talking again via notes we would leave for eachother at work in our lockers.
Our rebeginning was underway.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Starter Marriages
This post was originally written May 28, 2013.
Mike says that we were on our starter marriages when we met. It was funny at the time, and then the more I think about it, the more right I feel like he is. We learned a lot. We were both married for 7 years, both got married too young. We didn't know who we were ourselves and we certainly did not know our brand new spouses all that well. We never had the time for the real 'dating' stage before just jumping right into marriages. We allowed our relationship to develop on a slow burn because of that. Although, truth be told, at the start, this is never what we intended.
Our spouses were on the same ship, deployed together. Everyone close to me knew about most of my exes indiscretions. I wore my unhappiness on my sleeve, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Mike, however, had kept his unhappiness to himself. A very well guarded secret. There are a lot of factors in all of that for him, but that is not my story to tell. He tells me that the first time we met, he knew that one day he would have me. I was drawn to him, but I didn't know why. After all, I hardly knew the guy.
A couple months after the first time we met, we were brought together again for a command rock climbing event that we coordinated on together via email. When I left that day, I knew we were going somewhere. Not because of anything that was said... it was just a feeling. The next morning, I sent him a thank you message, and our conversation just took off from there. Over the course of time, I opened up to him more than anyone else close to me. He made me feel incredibly safe. Somehow, his words resonated more with me, even though other people had told me the same thing repeatedly. "Leave him." "You deserve better." "You're better than this life." For whatever reason, it finally made sense. I had finally made the decision I should have made years ago.
After a few short weeks... I knew I was in deep with Mike. I was developing real feelings for him. After a couple months, I knew he was the one for me. But we still had a major hurdle. The ship was coming back home a couple months ahead of schedule, which gave us less time to soften the blow for our spouses. So, a few days before their return home, we just told them. It was better that they hear it from us that from someone else. For a few weeks from that point, my world was turned upside down and inside out.
I came dangerously close to loosing Mike. But I did something I never thought I'd be able to do, and in the long run it worked out in my favor.
I let him go.
-Ashleigh
Mike says that we were on our starter marriages when we met. It was funny at the time, and then the more I think about it, the more right I feel like he is. We learned a lot. We were both married for 7 years, both got married too young. We didn't know who we were ourselves and we certainly did not know our brand new spouses all that well. We never had the time for the real 'dating' stage before just jumping right into marriages. We allowed our relationship to develop on a slow burn because of that. Although, truth be told, at the start, this is never what we intended.
Our spouses were on the same ship, deployed together. Everyone close to me knew about most of my exes indiscretions. I wore my unhappiness on my sleeve, even if I didn't realize it at the time. Mike, however, had kept his unhappiness to himself. A very well guarded secret. There are a lot of factors in all of that for him, but that is not my story to tell. He tells me that the first time we met, he knew that one day he would have me. I was drawn to him, but I didn't know why. After all, I hardly knew the guy.
A couple months after the first time we met, we were brought together again for a command rock climbing event that we coordinated on together via email. When I left that day, I knew we were going somewhere. Not because of anything that was said... it was just a feeling. The next morning, I sent him a thank you message, and our conversation just took off from there. Over the course of time, I opened up to him more than anyone else close to me. He made me feel incredibly safe. Somehow, his words resonated more with me, even though other people had told me the same thing repeatedly. "Leave him." "You deserve better." "You're better than this life." For whatever reason, it finally made sense. I had finally made the decision I should have made years ago.
After a few short weeks... I knew I was in deep with Mike. I was developing real feelings for him. After a couple months, I knew he was the one for me. But we still had a major hurdle. The ship was coming back home a couple months ahead of schedule, which gave us less time to soften the blow for our spouses. So, a few days before their return home, we just told them. It was better that they hear it from us that from someone else. For a few weeks from that point, my world was turned upside down and inside out.
I came dangerously close to loosing Mike. But I did something I never thought I'd be able to do, and in the long run it worked out in my favor.
I let him go.
-Ashleigh
Some Back Story...
This post was originally written May 23, 2013.
I feel like the events that have led my life to where it is now warranted a bit of backstory. In effort of not dragging all that out, lets just hit the main points.
I was married in 2005 to a man that I thought would forever protect my heart. A year and a half later, he was deployed and cheated on me with a female sailor, though I did not find out about this indiscretion until 2009. The night I found out was awful. I was blamed for the whole incident, accused of 'snooping', and told that had I been a better wife it never would have happened. For whatever reason, I believed it all and tried to move forward.
Fast-forward to October of 2010, I found out about another affair. This time with a recruit that he was in charge of. He kept letters from her as well as photos she had given him that I found. This pattern was destined to continue, and I should have known better... However, I tried once again to move on as a family.
Then in March of 2011, we were set to PCS back to San Diego from Chicago. I left a couple weeks ahead of him. During that time, he decided to drive to Virginia to see another prior recruit, but lie to me and tell me he went to see his mother, while spending all of the money he had to drive to San Diego. I found out about that one for sure when we moved into our new house and I found receipts for Virginia... which is not on the way to San Diego from Chicago. Once again, I stayed.
A couple months later I notice that he is being incredibly guarded over his phone. I wait for him to fall asleep one night and then I went through it. Sure enough, there were numerous text messages between him and (as I later found out) a female from his new command talking about inappropriate things. Once I confronted him, he smashed his phone to pieces... as if I hadn't saved the messages already. He claimed to have ended that affair, but numerous accusations kept coming from the ship saying it was still going on, and then he admitted (for once) that they did in fact hook up again on this most recent deployment.
There were other situations that seemed off to me (being guarded over phone conversations, having profiles on adult and dating websites, insisting on having a separate phone line from me so I can't access the bill...), but these were the only ones I was able to get actual confirmation on. Somewhere along the line, I checked out. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. I'm just sorry it hadn't happened sooner.
As a result of all of this anguish I endured for a number of years, always believing that I was the problem, that I wasn't being the best wife I could have been, I finally had enough. I had this realization while he was away on deployment. Every time he would be in port for a few days and hadn't called me yet, I knew. If I have any regrets about everything, it would have to be that I didn't keep myself in check until he was home from the deployment and tell him I was leaving him face to face. Instead, I allowed myself to fall in love with someone else.
Another married man.
I then became the very person I hated most in this world. But at the time, and even now (while I'm being honest), it didn't matter. It didn't matter because I had finally found someone who was able to open my eyes to the kind of life I was dragging myself and my children through, and who helped me build the courage to do what I should have done long ago.
For the rest of my life, I will always be in debt to him for saving me in the way that he did. Everyday, I look at him and I finally know what love was really supposed to feel like. I thought I knew what it was... but looking back on everything now, I realize I was wrong. People don't treat those they love the way I was treated for so long. I allowed the behavior to continue, but only with precise timing. Only until the one I was meant for came into my life.
-Ashleigh
I feel like the events that have led my life to where it is now warranted a bit of backstory. In effort of not dragging all that out, lets just hit the main points.
I was married in 2005 to a man that I thought would forever protect my heart. A year and a half later, he was deployed and cheated on me with a female sailor, though I did not find out about this indiscretion until 2009. The night I found out was awful. I was blamed for the whole incident, accused of 'snooping', and told that had I been a better wife it never would have happened. For whatever reason, I believed it all and tried to move forward.
Fast-forward to October of 2010, I found out about another affair. This time with a recruit that he was in charge of. He kept letters from her as well as photos she had given him that I found. This pattern was destined to continue, and I should have known better... However, I tried once again to move on as a family.
Then in March of 2011, we were set to PCS back to San Diego from Chicago. I left a couple weeks ahead of him. During that time, he decided to drive to Virginia to see another prior recruit, but lie to me and tell me he went to see his mother, while spending all of the money he had to drive to San Diego. I found out about that one for sure when we moved into our new house and I found receipts for Virginia... which is not on the way to San Diego from Chicago. Once again, I stayed.
A couple months later I notice that he is being incredibly guarded over his phone. I wait for him to fall asleep one night and then I went through it. Sure enough, there were numerous text messages between him and (as I later found out) a female from his new command talking about inappropriate things. Once I confronted him, he smashed his phone to pieces... as if I hadn't saved the messages already. He claimed to have ended that affair, but numerous accusations kept coming from the ship saying it was still going on, and then he admitted (for once) that they did in fact hook up again on this most recent deployment.
There were other situations that seemed off to me (being guarded over phone conversations, having profiles on adult and dating websites, insisting on having a separate phone line from me so I can't access the bill...), but these were the only ones I was able to get actual confirmation on. Somewhere along the line, I checked out. I'm not sure when it happened, but it did. I'm just sorry it hadn't happened sooner.
As a result of all of this anguish I endured for a number of years, always believing that I was the problem, that I wasn't being the best wife I could have been, I finally had enough. I had this realization while he was away on deployment. Every time he would be in port for a few days and hadn't called me yet, I knew. If I have any regrets about everything, it would have to be that I didn't keep myself in check until he was home from the deployment and tell him I was leaving him face to face. Instead, I allowed myself to fall in love with someone else.
Another married man.
I then became the very person I hated most in this world. But at the time, and even now (while I'm being honest), it didn't matter. It didn't matter because I had finally found someone who was able to open my eyes to the kind of life I was dragging myself and my children through, and who helped me build the courage to do what I should have done long ago.
For the rest of my life, I will always be in debt to him for saving me in the way that he did. Everyday, I look at him and I finally know what love was really supposed to feel like. I thought I knew what it was... but looking back on everything now, I realize I was wrong. People don't treat those they love the way I was treated for so long. I allowed the behavior to continue, but only with precise timing. Only until the one I was meant for came into my life.
-Ashleigh
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