Harley.

After everything began to hit me this last week, I had to come to some harsh realizations. The puppy I had been waiting so long for, I now could not afford. I was having to think about moving across the country, back home with my parents, and while being with them is a welcoming thought, getting there is not. Its going to be expensive, a pain in the butt and a bigger change than I want. We were going to be moving soon anyway, but now there is a different weight to it. Every mile I will drive is another mile wedged me between my heart and my husband. I still hope he comes to his senses before its too late. But I digress.

I had had my heart set on Harley from before he was born. That's how long I have been talking with his breeder, Sandy. Even then, I felt like God was at work with bringing this puppy to me. There is a really long back story to all that, but again, off point :). When Boats decided he wanted a divorce, everything had changed for me. How could I afford this move, as well as paying for the puppy? I already had sent my deposit for him (though I wont give an actual price on here for privacy of myself and for Sandy) which was 1/3 of the cost. The balance was set to be paid when I picked him up. As much as it killed me, I wrote to her and told her the whole story. A few days passed and she hadn't changed my name off of the website as to being his new family yet. She emailed me about it and told me she just wanted to give me time to be sure. I prayed and prayed that God would help me know if this was the right choice for me. If it was, and it truly was meant for me and Harley to be together, then He would show me a way to help me in the financial crisis. Imagine my disappointment when a stack of cash did not materialize before my eyes! (Just kidding Big Guy!) Instead, I think he spoke to Sandy's heart. She already had made it clear she wanted Harley to be in my family, which makes my heart just swell with thanks. I knew she needed to be sure I could care for him otherwise in this whole mess, and I absolutely can. I would by pass bills before he, the kids or Kadence went without something they needed. Anyone remember the $600 emergency vet trip for Kadence? Haha.

Wow, I'm awful about getting off point today...

Anyway! Our conversation continues, as did my prayers, and eventually the outcome is that Sandy and her generous heart will be working with me on the financial aspect so that Harley can be here with me. She brought up a great point that he will be hugely beneficial in my healing process through all of this. I was sick with wondering how I was going to break the news to Chase, and now I don't have to. All because one woman is so amazingly kind and loves her dogs and wants what is best for them, no matter what that means. Much like me in that aspect. Who else would cook meals for their dog every night?? There should be meetings for that...

So, in all of this storm of doubt and guilt and desperation came this glimmer of light that I thought was lost to me. I was pleasantly surprised to know that in the midst of the chaos, its possible to still feel the pitter patter of happiness in my heart. After having to hold Chase last night as he sobbed because he was sad because he knew mommy was sad, we need this. I am both honored and amazed that I am being trusted in such a way by someone who, by most accounts, is a stranger. She does not know me, and she owes me nothing. Yet she is gifting me with this opportunity.

Just as I was loosing sight of humanity in people, she rides in riding the proverbial white horse. Or Dane... whatever works :)



Sandy, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing this piece of joy into our lives at a time when I didn't think there was any left in this world. You are a truly amazing person, with a beautiful heart, and I look forward to a long friendship with you!

-Ash

Dancing in the minefield (part two... or not)

This should start off with acknowledging that there wont be a part two to the dancing in the minefield post. My life has taken a sudden flip upside down and I am busy picking up the ruins and trying to make sense of it all.

I was going to lay it all out on here just to get it out. But Ive decided against it. Mostly because I am still sort of on the fence with my own feelings in the whole situation. I know what Im feeling, I just don't know where they will lead me.

Last night was an eye opener though. Im not a cryer, but last night I came to a point where I couldn't control it. Much like my very first experience with actual prayer, I submitted myself to prayer. It wasn't working for me. Not only could I not catch my breath, but I felt like He couldn't hear me. I needed a direct line. So I pulled myself up and put on a sweater. (Its after midnight by the way...) I got myself down stairs and opened up the front door and stepped out. Right there on my front porch I crumbled to my knees and prayed for a good 20 minutes or so.

I prayed for clarity, direction, support, the ability to surrender my need for control, the ability to forgive, a light, protection of the hearts of my babies, his own clarity for what he truly wants, truth, peace, and reminders to look up.

When I came up, I was still terribly sad, and felt as though a gun had been place on my chest and the trigger was pulled. Repeat. But it was ok, because the message was now His.

I came to the conclusion today that my path is set. I didn't lay the stones, God did. He knows exactly where I am going and how I will get there. All of this is a part of that. Sometimes the excruciating pain is hard to justify, but I feel myself growing and changing, even now. When I hit my knees and lifted my heart and admitted my own role in my new reality, that brutal honesty was cleansing. Of course He already knew, but I needed to bring it to the surface. There is no sense in pointing fingers, my hands were in the pot too.

I cannot control the actions of others. I cannot control the feelings raging through me, including anger. What I can control is what I do with it. And what I am doing, is laying it at the feet of God and asking Him to show me how to deal with it.

Im not out of the woods. Not even close. But I am MILES closer to where I need to be in my faith as a result. Beautiful things come out of the most tragic of circumstances, and this is one of those things.

So my promise is this. No more blame. No more guilt. No more tit for tat. No more begging. No more back and forth. If this is the new future for me, I accept it. It kills me, and my throat gets tight imagining the loneliness ahead of me, but that's not reality. Ill never be lonely. I have my kids, and I have my God. I would have loved to have had my husband, my best friend, right there with me. I don't think anything I do will change it, and nothing I would have done would have made it different.

The pain is still overwhelming and makes me feel like I'm going to be sick most of the time. In those times I feel the love of all of the amazing friends I have just lifting me up. No matter if they are doing that in prayer or just in general thought, they are lifting me up.

The only thing I ask... don't feel sorry for me. I'm being rebuilt from the ground up as a better, stronger and more faith driven person, and its supposed to happen this way. Its not supposed to be easy, its supposed to be a struggle so when I get to my next mile stone, I can realize I learned something and grew. All the sorries in the world wont make things different. While I don't like the way I got here, I'm not sorry. The reasons are still unclear to me, but they wont always be. Until then, I am putting all my faith where is belongs.

God first.

-Me.

Overload.

Finally!

Boats graduated his division yesterday. I am SO thankful! The kids dont all leave until next week, but the major stuff is done. He should be off for a while now until he has to pick up the next group.

Seeing him in his element always gives me goosebumps. I have gone to all but one of his graduations. The last one I went too, Bug wasn't even a year old yet. When we went yesterday... I remembered why they were such a pain to go to, haha. We must have had to get up 5 times to go potty, and 2 of those trips actually produced potty. She wanted to run around and be loud... just be a 2 year old in a not-so-friendly-for-two-year-olds environment.

School is going ok. I thought I had gotten myself ahead last week, but I'm pretty sure I took that as a reason to slack off, and now I am killing myself to get everything done before tomorrow. All I have left is my Humanities class now, but I finished my Bible class last night with 90% on the quiz, criminal justice midterm the night before with 92%, and philosophy the night before that for another 92%. Not bad. So this week, when I finish the humanities class, I am going to actually get myself ahead so that I can work on the other two big projects. I have to do a summary for all the book of the Bible for one class, and a research paper for the criminal justice class.

Yesterday I picked my workouts back up. I did a two mile run (since I took so long off, I have to start over from scratch to build it all back up) and then some weights after that. I woke up with just the right amount of sore in the right places. The run felt SO good, and I think it was because I finally got a good running mix going. Ive never been the kind of person who does the crazy stuff while listening to music with head phones (I wont call Jason out on his busting moves to Madonna in the gym... that would just not be right :)) but yesterday I found myself air drumming during my run. Usually while no one else was around, but its all good. So hopefully today I will get two miles in again, but it will depend on if the rain holds out. I really hate running on a treadmill.

Other than that, not much else new is going on! I hope everyone has an amazing weekend :)

Mrs. J

The small stuff.

The things that make me happy these days are actually quite sad, lol.

I never hide the fact that I do NOT do laundry in our house. My husband, the wonderful and amazing man that he is, has spoiled me over the last year and a half, and has taken care of all the laundry. Now that he is back to longer working hours, its harder for him to find the time to do it. Or the energy. Not that I blame him. I still don't like doing laundry, haha. Today however, there seems to be a domestic bug up my bootie, and I'm on a roll! I have gotten the floors all cleaned, moved our kitchen table to where it was before, started laundry (and I will finish!), and even had the iron out...

Where am I??

I think being so wrapped up in school over the last few weeks has had me neglecting most of my wifely duties. Boats has never said a word about it, but still.

But the things that make me happy now, rather than even just a few years ago are as simple as taking my kids to the mall to get some new jeans (since they grow like weeds!), finding a good deal on a hoodie for the hubbs, new to-go coffee mugs from Starbucks, and yes... going to Sams Club for cleaning supplies. Honestly, before I had kids, I would dread these kinds of things. I never looked forward to getting home with a fresh bottle of floor cleaner and getting to crack it open and clean the floors. Or sitting down and sorting through laundry so I can get the kids new things washed and put up for them. Really? Its so funny how your perspective can change in just a few short years on what is important to you.

In other news, I took Kadence to the dog park yesterday. It was... interesting... to say the least. Ever since her squabbles with Link last year, she has been super agitated with strange dogs. She will snap at them, and as long as they don't snap back, she calms down and will actually play. That's a pretty hard thing to control at an off leash dog park. I took her on purpose though. She NEEDS to get over this, and I cant think of a better way than to keep exposing her to other dogs and when she realized that they aren't going to hurt her, she will slowly forget this inhibition she has. I'm hoping anyway.

We also decided to have the windows on my car tinted yesterday. What a difference it makes! It was something we debated back and forth on for a while, but we had the contact information for a guy who came to us and did a great job for cheap. Not having the windows tinted makes me feel like Im in a fishbowl, so now its much better. If I could only justify getting rims for the car since I have a burning hatred for hubcaps, Id be good. But at least $400? No thanks. Not just before the holidays anyway.

So I suppose there wasn't much of a point to this blog, but there doesnt always need to be, right? :) Have a great weekend, and say a prayer today for everyone this world lost 9 years ago today.

Belay my last.

Ok, I don't really know what to say at this moment.

Not even a few minutes after writing my blog, I check my school email to find a very encouraging and personal (meaning it wasn't something sent to the entire class) note from one of my professors. Something he definitely did not have to do.

Right when I needed it the most. As always, thank you Lord, for knowing just when I need some words from you, and finding the exact right words. If there was some doubt in my heart in your presence with me tonight, I happily stand corrected. Your grace is far greater than I am worth.

Thank you.

Ready for the next best thing.

I really hate days like today.

Actually, I take that back. Most of my day was really great! I got some girly time in with Bug. Boats was home most of the day so he got some much needed work on the cars done. Also, since he was home, I was able to get that fill for my nails taken care of (since I learned the hard way I'm not the kind of girl who cant have acrylics on anymore) that went far too long. On top of that, I was able to get an amazing work out in. Talk about OVER DUE! Ah, it felt great. I need to get back into my swing, but it still felt great. After dinner, I put Bug to bed, and Bubba stayed up for a bit with me and I helped him work on a poster for school.

But even after an over all good day, I'm in a not so good mood now.

There is a looming dentist appointment tomorrow.

Boats is finally able to put in for orders tonight. Even though he is submitting the request tonight, it doesn't mean anything until we get hard copy orders. We cant leave (since the kids and I will leave before him) until he gets the hard copies, and there is no such thing as a real time line in the Navy.

Some stuff back home has me in a weird place since there isn't anything I can do about it all from here, but I'm not the type that's ok with feeling helpless.

Overall, I'm pretty sick of this duty station and the yuckies it brings out in me. I have been pretty reclusive as of late in effort of keeping the BS out of my life, and its working pretty well, but I hate that I HAVE to do that. Why should I have to keep to myself just to keep awful people out of my life? In reality, I have had a lot going on at home lately with school and Boats' crazy hours and such. Sometimes I can help but blame the despicable people that I have encountered here for the complete flip in my outgoingness. Don't get me wrong, there are more wonderful people here than horrible, but those horrible ones... were/ are reeeeeeally horrible.

I have been praying to the ability to just let somethings go, not care as much, not be hurt by the actions of others, stop putting myself out there, but when I really think about, that's not fair of me to ask. Its pretty contradictory actually. After all, Luke 6:35-36 says "Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as a child of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate."

With that said, I think some cookies and bible time are in order.

-Mrs. J

Thank you, times a million.

I don't have a lot of time at the moment, I have homework to finish by 11 pm tonight, but I wanted to do a quick update.

Can I just say how FLOORED I am by the overwhelming personal responses I got to my Prayer Request blog post from last week? Not only did I get just messages, phone calls, texts and emails, but I got the ultimate answer to what it was all about.

As I said in the post, I attend The Chapel in Libertyville. Its my home church, and no matter how far the Navy takes us, they will always be my first real church family. I fully credit everyone there (Lynn, Krystie, Heidi, Kim, Matt, Jeff, Thomas, Steven, Danina, Hope, Tony and so many more) for me being where I am today. No matter how short some of our interactions have been, they matter. I was broken, stubborn, cold, shut off and almost dead inside until you all became my light. I met Thomas first, and I just cant say enough of how instrumental he was in lighting my path not only to God, but to fixing my failing marriage, that has grown and flourished since then into something I never thought it could be. I could not have taken these steps towards an amazing and passionate relationship with God with out every single one of you.

I wrote my last blog with no motive other than the obvious, extra prayer! Not long after it was posted, my TGA leader called me to tell me it had her in tears. I admit, I thought she lost her marbles for a minute (haha, love ya!) but I understand that it came on a very personal level of acknowledgment that SHE is in fact making a difference. After she read it, passed it on the the TGA director, who was in a meeting and shared it with the folks there. It continued on this little path until it landed in the hands of our campus pastor, Matt who read it and decided he was going to use it in that weekends message.

Wow.

I didn't know what to say. Never in my life did I think my little ramblings on here actually affected other people in such a way.

So there I was, sitting in service and Matt pulls my blog up on his blackberry and reads a good portion of it to help inspire others to want to volunteer with TGA. I'm still pretty much at a loss for words on how that felt to me. All three of the services at my home church heard that.

Sometimes we feel pretty insignificant, and then we are shown just how wrong we are.

As you can guess, I accepted the leadership role and today was my first real day in action, though I wasn't fully expecting it yet, lol. I am surrounded by some amazing and beautiful people who are just so accepting and if I screwed anything up, they never let on!

As I sit here in the quiet, I think about all the changes in my life in the last year. I have no doubt in my mind that the me today is better, more loving, accepting, understanding, compassionate, and forgiving than the me less than a year ago.

I also know, I never could have gotten here today on my own.

So thank you. You ALL know who you are.

Mrs. J