Distraction

I tried to write yesterday. Nothing I could come up with seemed intelligible. There was a lot going on here yesterday, in my defense.

Anxiety is not something I would say I have ever really suffered with. Yesterday, though, was a different story. Mike had left on Friday to go to San Diego to pick up JT. The plan was for him to get on a plane Saturday night in LA to head home. In the meantime, he got to hang out with the awesome Gomez family (I miss you guys!!!!) and even stopped in to visit my parents for a little bit.

He got to LA and all checked into their flight. They were flying standby, which meant we knew there was a chance they wouldn't get on that flight. The short version of this long draw out story is that they didn't make that flight. They didn't get on a flight until 6am the next day and I was finally able to pick then up at 530 our time Sunday evening! I went into the terminal and as soon as JT recognized me he came running with his arms out for a great big hug. That felt so good! I mean, I knew he would miss his dad, but I wasn't sure how he'd feel about not seeing me for so long. I scooped him up and squeezed him... I think I missed him more than I thought I would too. It was great to have him there in my arms! He immediately asked for Chase and Grace. I saw that coming ;)

Then I got to get my arms around Mike. Two days was too long. I know many of you military spouses are shaking your heads at me. Shake away! I've been there, done that. The difference is when I was married to the military, I wasn't married to someone I really missed when he was gone. Anytime my ex left for any amount of time, I was always just wondering who he was with instead if me. That thought never crossed my mind with Mike. Not having him home with me was physically taxing on me. Even through deployments, I never felt that way. I felt sick to my stomach the longer he was gone. It was awful. I'm just happy that it's over now and he is back home. 

We finally got home at around 8:15. It was chaos for a little while as the kids all reunited. We let them go wild for about an hour but then it was time for bed.  

Once all the activity settled down and there was no more anxiety, the feeling I was avoiding started to set in. 

Sadness. Sorrow. Remorse. Agony. Pain. Heartache. 

All of the above.

I keep photos of Harley around the house still. There's even one right on the fridge. The memory of him is painful, but I am glad I have it. That pain reminds me that at one point in my life, before Mike, I had someone who loved me more than he loved himself. 

It's said that dogs have a way of finding the people who need them. That they teach us about love when they come into our lives, and they teach us about loss when they leave. Harley did all of that and more. He came into my life at the precise moment that I needed him most. When he left, it forced me to find the strength to  begin to make change in my life. I knew I deserved better because it's what Harley had given me. I wish he could have met Moose. He would have adored him.

It's not fair to our dogs now. When I look at them, I don't feel the same way I did with Harley. I don't have that bond with them. Mike says it's because I don't need them like I needed Harley. That I haven't allowed them in as close. Maybe I am trying to keep that place in my heart just for him? No dog will ever be able to replace him. Maybe I am afraid that getting close to another dog will cause his memory to fade. I'd rather have that painful place in my heart where his memory resides than to forget. He is worth remembering. 

The days have turned to months. Now it's been two years since I last ran my fingers over those floppy ears. Two years since my tears soaked into that giant snout of his. Two years since he left this world and a gaping hole in my heart. I just miss him.

I hope he knows that. I hope he knows I love him just as intensely as he loved me.

MythBusters: Is Love Real?

Its indescribable. That feeling when you know you have found your better half. That feeling of not having any doubts in your heart, for once in your adult life. I know it's cliche, but waking up next to Mike everyday, knowing that he will spend every moment of his day with me in his heart... It's something I never experienced with another person before. That kind of love is powerful. It can mend wounds you didn't even realize we still wide open. 

When you come from a past like mine, you begin to feel like love is an unattainable privilege for perfect people without a flawed personal history. You watch movies or read romantic novels and think 'Aw, that's cute.' But you never allow yourself to believe that love like that is actually possible for you. It's not a realistic idea to be entertained. You become content just believing that it's not a real thing. You're not missing out on anything. Even if the fairy tales were true, you certainly weren't good enough to deserve anyone's undying love. But then, for reasons unknown to me, someone is sent your way to make you see the light.

The person sent to you can come in many forms. It could be your child, a great friend, a future lover... But for me... As crazy as it sounds... It was a dog.

Before you call PETA or other appropriate animal protection agencies, hear me out.

I was in the thick of my lowest point of my marriage when this sweet little white haired bundle of love came into my life. Those of you who know me know all about my Harley. I'm not going to get into the full story right now (I'm sure there will be a blog in a few days as we approach the two year mark since he left this world) but I know that he was what began to clear the fog for me. He loved me, without question. When I was sad, which was a lot when he first came to me, he was there for me. His unwavering love was something I had not experienced before. 

The love Harley gave me prepared me for the next stage in my life. I gained the strength to begin to see the toxicity of my marriage. When he left me, my world crashed down around me. Loosing him hurt me more than all the betrayals of my marriage. That told me everything I needed to know about the next chapter of my life.

Not too long after Harley passed, Mike found me. By that time I was barley putting myself back together after my devastating loss. It was enough, though, for Mike to see that there was something worth exploring. He was about to take the reigns and over see the reconstruction of my heart himself. I had met him before, but the day that we met up to do the family climbing event was different. The energy was different. When I shook his hand, it felt wrong. It felt like I should have hugged him instead. A tiny spark ignited in my heart. How was that possible? I thought it was completely burned out.

Fast forward to present day. 

Our life together is something I never dreamed of being possible for me. It's not extravagant. We had to leave behind a lot of our material things in California. We sold much of it, gave a lot away too. But they were all just things. I would not have said that three years ago. I clung to my things as though they were my identity. My things made up who I was. I needed to keep them, like a mask. They were a wonderful distraction. Once I had Mike though, I didn't need the illusions of a happy life anymore. I actually have it.

Real love exists. It's not a myth. It might be ignited in very strange and unexpected ways for you. Don't be blind to it just because it's not who you imagined it would be or that it didn't come to you in this perfectly wrapped up and predictable package. Once you experience it for real, you will be insatiable. As you should be. Don't be satisfied with just the idea of love. 

Everyone deserves real full fledged true love. It's not just for ogers or princesses. It's for you. You deserve it.

It took me far too long to realize it, but even I deserve this love.

No Forgiveness Necessary

Let me start by saying that I have no real regrets in the path that has brought Mike and I to where we are today. I would have changed the order of a few events had I known where the road was leading. We made a few mistakes that resulted in hurting some people. As bad as it sounds, I wouldn't change what we did because of my ex husband. As far as I'm concerned, he finally got a taste of his own medicine. Maybe, just maybe, it will make him a better man for the next woman in his life. But I'm not holding my breath. 

He had hurt me, a lot. He had wronged me in many ways. Mike dislikes him for that simple fact. He sees the destruction that was left in Justin's wake that is still present in my life. He sees how our children are still affected by their fathers empty words. He hates it. However, Mikes ex wife is a different story. 

She never hurt me. She never betrayed Mike. She wasn't always very nice. I do wish that we would have told both of our exes before things had gotten physical. At the very least, before we fell in love. 

As a result of our actions, she hates me. Naturally. While I can't blame her for how she feels, I do feel like that has to end at some point. She once told me I was just a phase. To be honest, when she said that to me, it worried me. Maybe I was a phase. Maybe we had ruined their marriage for a fling. Maybe he should go back to her. 

Then reality set in. She was angry and hurt and she would say anything if it meant creating doubt for me. It didn't last.

Almost two years later, I am no longer a phase. I am a person who will be in her sons life whether she likes it or not. Personally, I would rather have a good relationship with the person who is with my child in my absence than a volatile one. I love JT. I treat him better than I treat my own kids, probably. He and I were close for a long time. That was, until she began to poison him against me. 

I understand that I am the devil to her. But as a mother, I would never want my child to feel badly about liking someone, even if I dislike them. My ex did the same to our kids, but they are older. It didn't last long for them. I can feel the distance grow between JT and myself. It can only change over time, and I am patient enough to allow that to change and for him to see that I am not the person I am made out to be. I will never speak ill of his mother to him. I will just allow him to make up his own mind and some day he will compare my actions to her words. Hopefully he will see two very different people. 

I can't take back what I did. Truth be told, I wouldn't even if I could. I believe everything happens for a reason. I am the happiest I have ever been. I do think about it often though, the hurt I caused her. I've been her. It sucked. I endured it much longer and it made me a bitter and closed off person until Mike came along. All I can do is hope that she finds the same for herself one day. 

She confronted me one day at the gym. She said at the time that she forgave me. Her actions speak much louder that those empty words, though. I have also always believed that forgiveness is for yourself. Not the other person. There is no reason to tell someone you forgive them. It's not for them, it's for YOU. One of these days, when she finds her real happiness, it will be easier for her to forgive me for real. Mike too. 

Regardless of that fact, I will continue to love JT as I always have and treat him as I would think she would want me to. He is, after all, a part of my family. No amount of hate or discontent on her part will change that. I just wish she would put his heart before her own. 

Someday.