Summer is almost gone!

Who's ready for some updates?? :))

Sorry its been so darn long. Honestly though, there hasn't been much to blog about. We have just been enjoying our summer, spending time with family and friends, and getting ready for school. My Bubba starts school on Tuesday!! He went to two years of PreK, but I am still nervous for him. Kindergarten is a whole new ball game. (As I write this, he is trying to figure out how to play Daddy's Call of Duty game, and teaching Bug at the same time. Haha!) We have an ice cream social to go to on Friday where we will meet his teacher and get to see his new class room and everything. Such a grab bag of mixed emotions!

I am debating on if I want to send Bug to preschool this year, or if she will go next year. I really think the time for just me and her will be great. We can start out own little preschool routine at home. My plan is actually to walk Bubba to school in the mornings with Bug, and then to stop at the community gym on the way home. At least a couple times a week. Other days I just want to come home and do my Turbo Fire or 30 Day Shred. He will have short days on Thursdays, so I think that will be my off day.

On Monday, Blondie had his second surgery. The procedure is actually a laryngoscopy where they use a laser to remove the masses in his throat. There was a little bit of regrowth after the last one, but that is to be expected. This time though, they were able to clear off both sides of his vocal cords. His voice sounds amazing already! I couldn't believe it. He goes back next week for his post op, and basically we will just play it by ear for the next procedure. When his voice starts to fade again, we will make the appointment. He takes it all so well. Pretty amazing kid.

School started back up for me last week too. I'm almost in a rut with school. I have not had a break since last winter. I think I will probably skip next summer... especially since Boats will probably be gone for a while around then. I am enjoying the classes I am taking this term so far. I have toyed with the idea of changing my major, but I think I might just get my associates in Criminal Justice as planned, and then I can change it for my BA and roll my credits over. I think by the time I am ready to start my BA (which at this rate should be next fall) I might try to transfer to a local university. I think I will end up in a Paralegal program with a minor in counseling. I want to eventually get into victim advocacy, so those two areas of study will really help there. Although, I will be getting the chance to get my feet wet in all of that over the next couple of years anyway through a volunteer experience I was fortunate enough to be selected for. But that's another blog for another day :)

As for me and Boat's... we are doing great. We are working hard to make sure that no matter how stressful things get from outside factors, we take time for each other AND ourselves. We never really had the opportunity to have time for just us in our relationship when dating or after we were married. Now that the kids are a little bit older and I feel more comfortable leaving them with sitters (which is easier with family around too!) we are making more time for just us. We are all set to go to this years Navy Ball, which is a big deal after the awful time we had at the one in Great Lakes. We ended up having to leave before dinner because their childcare was awful. Since that won't be an issue this year, we are ready for it! We got the room booked at the hotel the ball is at, I have my gown, and my hair will be taken care of by the amazing Angeline at Symmetricut Salon in East County. I just need to find the right shoes for the dress and cut up my arms a little more (as far as muscle goes... don't be calling fleet and family on me, lol ;) and we will be ready to tear that place up aaaaaaaaall night!!

Time to kick the boy off the playstation so I can get my morning workout in. Then we have some yard work to attend to this afternoon :). Part of me still wants to request to move to a house with a bigger yard... but I love my neighbors too much, lol. Worth the trade off. Unless we could stay on our same street... nah. Not worth the hassle I'm sure, lol. I promise to not be so distant between posts next time!

Flash Point

Do you ever reach your threshold of stress, that point where you know you just can't take anything else before you burst at the seams?

Yep. I'm there.

When you get there, you also have to know that it doesn't matter if you know you are at your limit... just one more teeny tiny little thing has to get hurled at you to set off the grenade in your chest.

I thought I was handling things pretty well. Not any one specific situation, just everything over all. Turns out I'm not.

Or maybe I was and now I am just caught in this shit storm that I can't even begin to see my way out of. My chest always feel tight. I have become a pro at walking on eggshells. I keep my mouth shut about everything so as to not rock the boat with anyone anymore. I know I deserve more, but I have just been beaten down to this place of not wanting anything more and just being in constant pain. Between financial issues, family issues, school, husband issues, kid issues, animal issues, self issues... I don't even know where to begin. I feel like such a failure in so many departments. I'll get things back in order for a little while, just to let it all go to hell again when the stress creeps up on me.

Not like I need to feel any worse, but who ends up at the worst end of it all? The kids. They want to go play outside and I just don't feel like it. They want to go to the beach, and I just can't get enthusiastic about any of it. I have three of the most awesome kids in this world. They can stress me out and push the limits, but they are overall well behaved and listen to me. For the most part. The last thing I want to do is crush their growing spirits with my funk. I just don't know how to get out of it. It seems as though the only time I get help around the house is when I turn into a total bitch and stop catering to everyone else. Ever since we moved, Boats' paycheck has been short anywhere from $10 to almost $600... EVERY payday, but no one seems to know why.

From the outside, it seems like I have it all together. I'm good at that. Yet even the littlest things just kick me down another level and send my insecurities on a rampage. Still, nothing is done to help them, and if I mention it, I am the bitch for bringing up the past or being too much of a control freak. I need me back. My kids need me back. How can I do that when I always feel like an after thought? I have friends going through rough times too, but I feel like I can't be there for them because I don't even know which way is up. I am in NO position to offer anyone support or advice on anything.

I keep aching for a feeling that I know will never come. Stability. Not just emotional stability, but financial, educational, spiritual. There is nothing but chaos in all areas right now it seems. I used to be the kind of person who would never back down from what I thought was right. Now I just crumble at any sort of confrontation with people I care about. I cave, say what they want to hear, and bury it. Part of me feels like if I put EVERYTHING out there, I might force responsibility to be taken for certain actions. Yet I fear that what will really happen is that I will be left in the dust and made out to be like it's all my fault, like it always is. I have nothing to offer anyone anymore. I just want to curl up in bed with my babies and shut the rest of the world out so it can't hurt us anymore.

Photo update.

Way too much has gone on to even try to catch up on it all since I last blogged. Lets just recap the most important one... my baby Bug turned 3! I cannot believe this amazingly beautiful little person that I was able to bring into this world. She is just this fabulously loving, goofy, hilariously perfect ball of gorgeous and she gets smarter and funnier every day. As much as I wish I could slow it down, I love watching her grow up into this little lady that has so much to offer. To celebrate, we had a Pirate Princess party for her and she loved every minute of it.






We have a ton more pictures, but these are some of the ones with just her instead of a lot of other people too. After all, it was HER day!

One of the sweetest things about her is how much she loves Harley. He is now 10 months old, so still growing, and he adores her SO much. They honestly have the sweetest relationship ever. I have a whole album on Facebook dedicated to their shenanigans, but here are a few of the most recent ones.





These two could play all day together and he is so sweet with her. I find it hilarious how many people get so concerned about having big dogs around their kids, and mine wouldn't know what to do with a little dog.

One last little update is on the fitness front. As I suspected, after a great loss, I hit a rut, lol. I ended up ordering a new work out system which has been AMAZING! I love doing it... it gets me pumped and moving and I have never sweat so much with a home work out. It is called Turbo Fire. I feel so much stronger and energized. I can't wait to see the results after doing it for the full 90 days. Some days I will even squeeze in a second work out, lol.

One other major thing happened, but that will be its own blog. Blondie was diagnosed with RRP which will mean he has a lot of surgeries in his future just to relieve the symptoms since there is no cure. Like I said... that requires its own post.

I know I need to write another post just to catch up, but this should be enough to hold me over for a bit :) I need to get back to Pintrest!