Flash Point

Do you ever reach your threshold of stress, that point where you know you just can't take anything else before you burst at the seams?

Yep. I'm there.

When you get there, you also have to know that it doesn't matter if you know you are at your limit... just one more teeny tiny little thing has to get hurled at you to set off the grenade in your chest.

I thought I was handling things pretty well. Not any one specific situation, just everything over all. Turns out I'm not.

Or maybe I was and now I am just caught in this shit storm that I can't even begin to see my way out of. My chest always feel tight. I have become a pro at walking on eggshells. I keep my mouth shut about everything so as to not rock the boat with anyone anymore. I know I deserve more, but I have just been beaten down to this place of not wanting anything more and just being in constant pain. Between financial issues, family issues, school, husband issues, kid issues, animal issues, self issues... I don't even know where to begin. I feel like such a failure in so many departments. I'll get things back in order for a little while, just to let it all go to hell again when the stress creeps up on me.

Not like I need to feel any worse, but who ends up at the worst end of it all? The kids. They want to go play outside and I just don't feel like it. They want to go to the beach, and I just can't get enthusiastic about any of it. I have three of the most awesome kids in this world. They can stress me out and push the limits, but they are overall well behaved and listen to me. For the most part. The last thing I want to do is crush their growing spirits with my funk. I just don't know how to get out of it. It seems as though the only time I get help around the house is when I turn into a total bitch and stop catering to everyone else. Ever since we moved, Boats' paycheck has been short anywhere from $10 to almost $600... EVERY payday, but no one seems to know why.

From the outside, it seems like I have it all together. I'm good at that. Yet even the littlest things just kick me down another level and send my insecurities on a rampage. Still, nothing is done to help them, and if I mention it, I am the bitch for bringing up the past or being too much of a control freak. I need me back. My kids need me back. How can I do that when I always feel like an after thought? I have friends going through rough times too, but I feel like I can't be there for them because I don't even know which way is up. I am in NO position to offer anyone support or advice on anything.

I keep aching for a feeling that I know will never come. Stability. Not just emotional stability, but financial, educational, spiritual. There is nothing but chaos in all areas right now it seems. I used to be the kind of person who would never back down from what I thought was right. Now I just crumble at any sort of confrontation with people I care about. I cave, say what they want to hear, and bury it. Part of me feels like if I put EVERYTHING out there, I might force responsibility to be taken for certain actions. Yet I fear that what will really happen is that I will be left in the dust and made out to be like it's all my fault, like it always is. I have nothing to offer anyone anymore. I just want to curl up in bed with my babies and shut the rest of the world out so it can't hurt us anymore.