The end is near.

F I N A L L Y.

There is an end in sight. And it should be here around the 1st week of April. That is when my car will be loaded up with all the things we will need until we get settled into our new place in California.

Yep. We got orders. I'm not entirely convinced it is going to go on without a hitch. This IS the Navy we are talking about and they love the hiccups. The idea of finally having a date as to when we get to put this place in the rear view mirror is a huge weight lifted off of my chest.

It comes with a side of bitterness though. I know that the friends I have kept here are the ones I will see again someday. Its funny though, me and my lady (lets just call her the Soulless Ginger, hahaha :)) went to the city this weekend. My first REAL trip to the city. We actually talked about that it took her and I a little while to actually become friends, but I know that there is literally nothing I can't trust her with and vice versa. We have been through some of the biggest testers of friendship and sailed through with flying colors. I don't know what it is about redheads, but apparently they make the best friends for me, hahaha! Me and my two redheads are already making plans of when we will be seeing each other after I leave here. These are the ones I need close to me. Not necessarily in distance, but where it matters. In the heart. That's where they will always be. There is probably one other friend here (not a redhead, but she might as well be!) who I trust with my life. We have shared things about ourselves with each other and there is never any judgment, nor a fear of anyone else ever hearing about it. Things she told me stay with me, things I told her, stay with her. She is definitely one of the people I respect the most around here for not allowing the pressure of the cluckers here get to her and spill any thing said to her in private. She truly is one of 'The Greats' :)).

The ones I let go of will finally be out of it forever. The sting of the betrayals might always linger, but they serve as a lesson learned. Some people I think I clung to too fast. Put too much faith into. That's the down side to being a military spouse. We move and loose virtually all of our friends in the area. We get desperate to make new ones to save ourselves from boredom and loneliness that we jump into these friendships without taking to time to find out of we are really compatible friends. Its just like dating really. I think, of ALL the lessons I am taking away from here, that is the number one lesson. Don't jump into a friendship out of loneliness. The pain that can result from the failed friendship will always be worse than the loneliness. Times ten.

So this turned into a totally different post than I meant for it to, haha! Anyhow, I am off to another dental appointment.

For the 3 ladies mentioned (2 redheads and The Great), I love you. Each of you have enriched my life in ways I never knew I needed. You have all set the bar for what friends are supposed to be ridiculously high, and I can't thank you enough for always being there for me when I needed you most, keeping my secrets and trusting me with yours. You guys define true love. [In the platonic sense. Except on Thursdays, haha] So much more can be said... but for now, I'll leave it at that :))

Better you than me.

I have read a lot of heartbreaking blogs lately. Like... a lot. They have all been about the deaths of children, which is a kind of pain I hope to never know.

Something really selfish occurred to me though, that I am sure occurs to others. When we read such stories, even though we hurt for them [which is never even comparable to the parents pain] and sometimes even cry as we read them [I can admit it.] there is a little tiny part of us that is actually happy. Not happy that it happened... of course not... but happy that it wasn't us.

I think sometimes I have this crazy way of rationalizing tragedies as though there are a limited number of them, which is not true of course. But I feel like as things happen in the lives of others, it is always a lesson to cherish the moments we have, take extra precautions as necessary, and to be thankful that, this time, it wasn't us.

How incredibly selfish is that? When I really think about it, it makes me feel like an awful person. How can I be glad someone lost their child? In reality though, that is not it. It is NOT that I am happy they lost their child... that could not be further from the truth!! Part of me is just relieved that it was not MY child, nor MY story. I don't think that is too uncommon. Is it??

The idea of 'it could never happen to me' is something I link to high school health class when we talked about STDs and getting pregnant. Then I realize... hmm. I got pregnant in April of my senior year. It CAN happen to me. It did. That was one that I can say I am thankful for though :)

I know I am not invincible. Neither is my family. I just have a really hard time accepting the fact that there are things [people, situations, events] that I just can't protect my children from. I want to pull them in close and never let them venture out into the harsh, unforgiving world... but I know I can't. Unless I build some crazy bunker on an island like in Lost... now there is a thought :))

As a mom, my heart just shatters to hear stories of someone loosing their child [of all ages]. It is so hard to not just pull out of the world all together sometimes. But also as a mom, I am learning that I am not the perfect parent. I will make mistakes, have regrets and wish I could go back in time... but I am always given opportunities to be shown that I still have time. Right now. To make their lives exactly what it should be... my life has always been lived for someone else. Never for me. That's kind of hard to swallow. There are times when I just want to cut the bindings. Be free for a little while. But what would I be missing?

Too much.

Everything.

Everyone needs a little freedom, no question. I love my 'me' time. But not as much as I love looking over and seeing my baby girl snuggling with her daddy on the couch. Or as much as I love my son waltzing into my bedroom and asking me about what I did at work today. Or as much as phone calls from my oldest [even though they are just as heartbreaking] telling me how much he misses me.

I would give up e v e r y t h i n g for them. Freedom, happiness, parties, sunshine... anything.

The best part is... they aren't asking me to.

I have these amazing little people in my life that I could not imagine them NOT being in my life. So when I am forced to consider the idea that something could happen to them that I cannot control... it devastates me. When bad things happen, I will always have that little part being just slightly thankful it wasn't us. I am human.

Back to Him.

There is something that has been weighing really heavily on me lately. That wedge I placed between me and my relationship with God. I'm not sure when it got there, but I feel it. I've stopped turning to Him first in times of need. I have been trying to deal with everything on my own, and while I'm being honest... that isn't going so well for me. It seems like it has been forever since I have actually felt Him with me, but that is my fault.

This weekend I received a rough reality check.

I went up for an awesome night out with my bestie on Friday night. Saturday morning, I headed out early to make it back home for the Polar Bear Plunge. As soon as I left, something was off. Apparently both of my front tires decided to deflate significantly over night. Not a huge deal right? Just stop off and get some air in them. Well on the way to a gas station, my car was slipping and sliding all over the place after an over night snow. I put it off to the deflation of the front tires and that as soon as I got them refilled, it would be fine.

I pull into a gas station and hop out to check the tires and get the caps off so I can refill them. The caps were frozen on. I had no tools with me to get them off, and apparently you cant get a wrench or pliers at a gas station. I call Mindy and she is able to swing by before going to cheer practice with the tools. I get them off and get them filled up (my PSI is supposed to be 41 and it was less than 20 in both my front tires...) and be on my way.

I was still doing some slipping around, but I know that sometimes side streets aren't attended to as fast as main roads. Surely the highway was going to be better. Wrong.

I made it 25 miles in over 1 hours. The trip in total is 120 miles and usually only takes me 2 hours. I had to pull off the road 3 times because I was actually having panic attacks from all the sliding my car was doing. It seemed like I was the only car having that problem. People were just FLYING past me. I was crying and shaking and I'm pretty sure I surpassed white knuckles into straight up bloody fingers from the death grip I had on the steering wheel.

The last time I pulled off the freeway, I realized that I was trying to do all of this on my own. I wasn't asking God to keep me safe. I gave myself a few more minutes of breathing time before I sucked it up and went back to the freeway. I was still sliding a little, but not nearly as much. About 10 miles in, the roads cleared up it seemed and it was smooth sailing. Any time I felt the sway of the car start, I just pressed on, confident I would be fine.

Soon I began to see what it was I was so afraid of. A little bit before I reached Milwaukee, I began to see accident after accident. 8 in total. Not just minor fender benders either. I'm talking about major accidents, of which some I am sure were fatal. One vans entire back end was gone. Then there was the blue pick up truck that was on its side. After I passed the 5th or 6th accident, I realized I had stopped praying for myself, and I was praying for the people in these cars and their families. I don't even think it was right until that moment that I realized how much I had shut myself off from God. I'm not sure why it happened, but I can see now that it did. All I can do is work on changing that everyday. Make a conscious effort to look to Him more often... not just at a time when I feel desperate.

Slowly but surely... I'll get there. The hard lesson I am learning now is that everything really does happen for a reason. Situations that seem impossible right now will turn out to be great things. I'm never in total darkness.