Today was the big day! My guy went off to his very first day of Kindergarten.
First, it should be known that he is the momma's boy. He is the one who was in bed with me for 6 months since Daddy deployed the say after he was born. He is the one who knows how I am feeling at any given moment. He is the one that tells me how much he loves me all the time; even just after getting in trouble. He is never short on love and kindness. While these are traits that I am so happy he posses... not all kids do.
Some kids are mean and take advantage of the kids who are kind. So how do I deal with the fact that inevitably, someday, another kid will be mean to my sweet baby?
How would I help him cope if he has some sort of fluke accident and pees his pants or something?
These are the questions ripping at my heart today. I may or may not ever have to face them, but chances are, HE will. It is up to him to come to me. Not to mention what he said to me last night when I tucked him in. I asked him if he was excited about starting school and he told me he was just a little bit scared. When I asked him why, he said because he didn't want us to have to worry about wasting money on new things for him for school.
Ouch.
I never meant for them to realize things like that, though I suppose him having an awareness of money isn't the worst thing in the world. However, I realized how much I let our current issue affect him. This last payday, we got $0. Yea... Bank of America (who will go down in history as the absolute worst bank ever in my opinion.) closed our checking account, simply stating that per the new account agreement, the could close our account at anytime. Except they chose to do it less than a week before payday, so we did not have time to switch it to another account. How nice of them to not even notify me, right? I had to find out at the ATM. So his money went there, and they won't give us access to it. At all. Then the person who is supposed to help us within his command screwed up by giving us the WRONG paperwork to get it fixed. Insult to injury. So anyway, the point is that we had no money come in this payday making things very tight. I had already gotten Bubba his new stuff for school, so I don't know how that came to be his worry, but it broke my heart. These are not things that he should even be thinking about. Period. Back to the point...
To make matters worse, his baby sister was the one who cried when we dropped him off. We took him to his classroom and off he went. After two years of preschool, it was much less dramatic than as if it were his first day ever of any kind of school. But as we left, Bug started screaming for him and telling me we couldn't leave him there, that he was HER brother and she was HIS sister and we just HAD to go back and get him. So I carried my sobbing princess down the ramp and away from the class before it got him upset as well, all the while fighting back the wall of tears that were building up. Finally she just settled into my neck and cried as I carried her back to the car. Since we got home, she hasn't left my lap. I'm ok with that :)
After Rio is over, I think I will take her down to the library here and spend some quality time with her. Daddy is gone for a few days (which is probably for the best because due to the previously discussed situation, there was no extra money for him to get smokes, making him NOT the best person to live with the last few days) so I will be focusing on my babies and working on getting into a good swing of this new schedule.
I also have some big big news still... but I have to wait just a bit longer before I can make a post about it!! Believe me, it is k i l l i n g me to not be able to post it, but soon enough! It's big for me anyway :)
Happy First Day of School everyone!!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Summer is almost gone!
Who's ready for some updates?? :))
Sorry its been so darn long. Honestly though, there hasn't been much to blog about. We have just been enjoying our summer, spending time with family and friends, and getting ready for school. My Bubba starts school on Tuesday!! He went to two years of PreK, but I am still nervous for him. Kindergarten is a whole new ball game. (As I write this, he is trying to figure out how to play Daddy's Call of Duty game, and teaching Bug at the same time. Haha!) We have an ice cream social to go to on Friday where we will meet his teacher and get to see his new class room and everything. Such a grab bag of mixed emotions!
I am debating on if I want to send Bug to preschool this year, or if she will go next year. I really think the time for just me and her will be great. We can start out own little preschool routine at home. My plan is actually to walk Bubba to school in the mornings with Bug, and then to stop at the community gym on the way home. At least a couple times a week. Other days I just want to come home and do my Turbo Fire or 30 Day Shred. He will have short days on Thursdays, so I think that will be my off day.
On Monday, Blondie had his second surgery. The procedure is actually a laryngoscopy where they use a laser to remove the masses in his throat. There was a little bit of regrowth after the last one, but that is to be expected. This time though, they were able to clear off both sides of his vocal cords. His voice sounds amazing already! I couldn't believe it. He goes back next week for his post op, and basically we will just play it by ear for the next procedure. When his voice starts to fade again, we will make the appointment. He takes it all so well. Pretty amazing kid.
School started back up for me last week too. I'm almost in a rut with school. I have not had a break since last winter. I think I will probably skip next summer... especially since Boats will probably be gone for a while around then. I am enjoying the classes I am taking this term so far. I have toyed with the idea of changing my major, but I think I might just get my associates in Criminal Justice as planned, and then I can change it for my BA and roll my credits over. I think by the time I am ready to start my BA (which at this rate should be next fall) I might try to transfer to a local university. I think I will end up in a Paralegal program with a minor in counseling. I want to eventually get into victim advocacy, so those two areas of study will really help there. Although, I will be getting the chance to get my feet wet in all of that over the next couple of years anyway through a volunteer experience I was fortunate enough to be selected for. But that's another blog for another day :)
As for me and Boat's... we are doing great. We are working hard to make sure that no matter how stressful things get from outside factors, we take time for each other AND ourselves. We never really had the opportunity to have time for just us in our relationship when dating or after we were married. Now that the kids are a little bit older and I feel more comfortable leaving them with sitters (which is easier with family around too!) we are making more time for just us. We are all set to go to this years Navy Ball, which is a big deal after the awful time we had at the one in Great Lakes. We ended up having to leave before dinner because their childcare was awful. Since that won't be an issue this year, we are ready for it! We got the room booked at the hotel the ball is at, I have my gown, and my hair will be taken care of by the amazing Angeline at Symmetricut Salon in East County. I just need to find the right shoes for the dress and cut up my arms a little more (as far as muscle goes... don't be calling fleet and family on me, lol ;) and we will be ready to tear that place up aaaaaaaaall night!!
Time to kick the boy off the playstation so I can get my morning workout in. Then we have some yard work to attend to this afternoon :). Part of me still wants to request to move to a house with a bigger yard... but I love my neighbors too much, lol. Worth the trade off. Unless we could stay on our same street... nah. Not worth the hassle I'm sure, lol. I promise to not be so distant between posts next time!
Sorry its been so darn long. Honestly though, there hasn't been much to blog about. We have just been enjoying our summer, spending time with family and friends, and getting ready for school. My Bubba starts school on Tuesday!! He went to two years of PreK, but I am still nervous for him. Kindergarten is a whole new ball game. (As I write this, he is trying to figure out how to play Daddy's Call of Duty game, and teaching Bug at the same time. Haha!) We have an ice cream social to go to on Friday where we will meet his teacher and get to see his new class room and everything. Such a grab bag of mixed emotions!
I am debating on if I want to send Bug to preschool this year, or if she will go next year. I really think the time for just me and her will be great. We can start out own little preschool routine at home. My plan is actually to walk Bubba to school in the mornings with Bug, and then to stop at the community gym on the way home. At least a couple times a week. Other days I just want to come home and do my Turbo Fire or 30 Day Shred. He will have short days on Thursdays, so I think that will be my off day.
On Monday, Blondie had his second surgery. The procedure is actually a laryngoscopy where they use a laser to remove the masses in his throat. There was a little bit of regrowth after the last one, but that is to be expected. This time though, they were able to clear off both sides of his vocal cords. His voice sounds amazing already! I couldn't believe it. He goes back next week for his post op, and basically we will just play it by ear for the next procedure. When his voice starts to fade again, we will make the appointment. He takes it all so well. Pretty amazing kid.
School started back up for me last week too. I'm almost in a rut with school. I have not had a break since last winter. I think I will probably skip next summer... especially since Boats will probably be gone for a while around then. I am enjoying the classes I am taking this term so far. I have toyed with the idea of changing my major, but I think I might just get my associates in Criminal Justice as planned, and then I can change it for my BA and roll my credits over. I think by the time I am ready to start my BA (which at this rate should be next fall) I might try to transfer to a local university. I think I will end up in a Paralegal program with a minor in counseling. I want to eventually get into victim advocacy, so those two areas of study will really help there. Although, I will be getting the chance to get my feet wet in all of that over the next couple of years anyway through a volunteer experience I was fortunate enough to be selected for. But that's another blog for another day :)
As for me and Boat's... we are doing great. We are working hard to make sure that no matter how stressful things get from outside factors, we take time for each other AND ourselves. We never really had the opportunity to have time for just us in our relationship when dating or after we were married. Now that the kids are a little bit older and I feel more comfortable leaving them with sitters (which is easier with family around too!) we are making more time for just us. We are all set to go to this years Navy Ball, which is a big deal after the awful time we had at the one in Great Lakes. We ended up having to leave before dinner because their childcare was awful. Since that won't be an issue this year, we are ready for it! We got the room booked at the hotel the ball is at, I have my gown, and my hair will be taken care of by the amazing Angeline at Symmetricut Salon in East County. I just need to find the right shoes for the dress and cut up my arms a little more (as far as muscle goes... don't be calling fleet and family on me, lol ;) and we will be ready to tear that place up aaaaaaaaall night!!
Time to kick the boy off the playstation so I can get my morning workout in. Then we have some yard work to attend to this afternoon :). Part of me still wants to request to move to a house with a bigger yard... but I love my neighbors too much, lol. Worth the trade off. Unless we could stay on our same street... nah. Not worth the hassle I'm sure, lol. I promise to not be so distant between posts next time!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Flash Point
Do you ever reach your threshold of stress, that point where you know you just can't take anything else before you burst at the seams?
Yep. I'm there.
When you get there, you also have to know that it doesn't matter if you know you are at your limit... just one more teeny tiny little thing has to get hurled at you to set off the grenade in your chest.
I thought I was handling things pretty well. Not any one specific situation, just everything over all. Turns out I'm not.
Or maybe I was and now I am just caught in this shit storm that I can't even begin to see my way out of. My chest always feel tight. I have become a pro at walking on eggshells. I keep my mouth shut about everything so as to not rock the boat with anyone anymore. I know I deserve more, but I have just been beaten down to this place of not wanting anything more and just being in constant pain. Between financial issues, family issues, school, husband issues, kid issues, animal issues, self issues... I don't even know where to begin. I feel like such a failure in so many departments. I'll get things back in order for a little while, just to let it all go to hell again when the stress creeps up on me.
Not like I need to feel any worse, but who ends up at the worst end of it all? The kids. They want to go play outside and I just don't feel like it. They want to go to the beach, and I just can't get enthusiastic about any of it. I have three of the most awesome kids in this world. They can stress me out and push the limits, but they are overall well behaved and listen to me. For the most part. The last thing I want to do is crush their growing spirits with my funk. I just don't know how to get out of it. It seems as though the only time I get help around the house is when I turn into a total bitch and stop catering to everyone else. Ever since we moved, Boats' paycheck has been short anywhere from $10 to almost $600... EVERY payday, but no one seems to know why.
From the outside, it seems like I have it all together. I'm good at that. Yet even the littlest things just kick me down another level and send my insecurities on a rampage. Still, nothing is done to help them, and if I mention it, I am the bitch for bringing up the past or being too much of a control freak. I need me back. My kids need me back. How can I do that when I always feel like an after thought? I have friends going through rough times too, but I feel like I can't be there for them because I don't even know which way is up. I am in NO position to offer anyone support or advice on anything.
I keep aching for a feeling that I know will never come. Stability. Not just emotional stability, but financial, educational, spiritual. There is nothing but chaos in all areas right now it seems. I used to be the kind of person who would never back down from what I thought was right. Now I just crumble at any sort of confrontation with people I care about. I cave, say what they want to hear, and bury it. Part of me feels like if I put EVERYTHING out there, I might force responsibility to be taken for certain actions. Yet I fear that what will really happen is that I will be left in the dust and made out to be like it's all my fault, like it always is. I have nothing to offer anyone anymore. I just want to curl up in bed with my babies and shut the rest of the world out so it can't hurt us anymore.
Yep. I'm there.
When you get there, you also have to know that it doesn't matter if you know you are at your limit... just one more teeny tiny little thing has to get hurled at you to set off the grenade in your chest.
I thought I was handling things pretty well. Not any one specific situation, just everything over all. Turns out I'm not.
Or maybe I was and now I am just caught in this shit storm that I can't even begin to see my way out of. My chest always feel tight. I have become a pro at walking on eggshells. I keep my mouth shut about everything so as to not rock the boat with anyone anymore. I know I deserve more, but I have just been beaten down to this place of not wanting anything more and just being in constant pain. Between financial issues, family issues, school, husband issues, kid issues, animal issues, self issues... I don't even know where to begin. I feel like such a failure in so many departments. I'll get things back in order for a little while, just to let it all go to hell again when the stress creeps up on me.
Not like I need to feel any worse, but who ends up at the worst end of it all? The kids. They want to go play outside and I just don't feel like it. They want to go to the beach, and I just can't get enthusiastic about any of it. I have three of the most awesome kids in this world. They can stress me out and push the limits, but they are overall well behaved and listen to me. For the most part. The last thing I want to do is crush their growing spirits with my funk. I just don't know how to get out of it. It seems as though the only time I get help around the house is when I turn into a total bitch and stop catering to everyone else. Ever since we moved, Boats' paycheck has been short anywhere from $10 to almost $600... EVERY payday, but no one seems to know why.
From the outside, it seems like I have it all together. I'm good at that. Yet even the littlest things just kick me down another level and send my insecurities on a rampage. Still, nothing is done to help them, and if I mention it, I am the bitch for bringing up the past or being too much of a control freak. I need me back. My kids need me back. How can I do that when I always feel like an after thought? I have friends going through rough times too, but I feel like I can't be there for them because I don't even know which way is up. I am in NO position to offer anyone support or advice on anything.
I keep aching for a feeling that I know will never come. Stability. Not just emotional stability, but financial, educational, spiritual. There is nothing but chaos in all areas right now it seems. I used to be the kind of person who would never back down from what I thought was right. Now I just crumble at any sort of confrontation with people I care about. I cave, say what they want to hear, and bury it. Part of me feels like if I put EVERYTHING out there, I might force responsibility to be taken for certain actions. Yet I fear that what will really happen is that I will be left in the dust and made out to be like it's all my fault, like it always is. I have nothing to offer anyone anymore. I just want to curl up in bed with my babies and shut the rest of the world out so it can't hurt us anymore.
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