10.10.10

Yesterday I was baptized :) My great friend Lynn was the one who performed it for me. I asked her to do it because she has truly been that pivotal person assisting me on my journey to God. Here is the testimony I had written that I read before I was baptized:

I first came to the Chapel in February of this year, and I came in with a lot of doubt, but an open mind. Every week I felt more and more comfortable and the lessons always seemed to speak to my heart. A lot of new truths about Jesus were presented to me, but one stuck out more than the rest. It was the idea that HE pursued ME, which seemed ridiculous. Why did I matter? I felt like all the doubt I carried around with me would be too much for Him to begin to sort through and file away for me. Of course I was wrong. Little by little, doubt by doubt, He settled down and made himself comfortable in my heart before I even realized it and began taking down the bricks. When I began to really feel and accept His love is when I realized I had already been saved from myself. I was a cold, manipulative and controlling person who couldn’t see far enough past my own needs to nurture the relationships around me. When I finally opened up my heart to Christ… I could breathe. Not having this urgent sense of needing to be in control was what I needed all along.

I made a lot of changes in my life. I got rid of the toxic people who always tried to bring me away from my journey to God or who kept trying to plant more doubt. When I finally got the people around me at the proper distances, my relationship with God began to soar.

I wish I could say life was perfect at this point in time for me, but its not. I am faced with this time in my life where I will have to stand on my own two feet. While I am not ready for that just yet, I have found a comfortable spot in the arms of Christ, who I know is carrying me and my children through the ruins until I reach a safe point. At the end of the day, I understand and accept that tomorrow has already been written for me. His plan is perfect and exact, and I don’t NEED to be in control. Everyday He continues to bless me and let me feel his embrace even when I feel less than worthy of His love. He loves me anyway. One of my favorite worship songs says it best ‘Your Grace has found me just as I am. Empty handed but alive in Your hands.’ I have nothing to offer Christ but this broken and bleeding heart, and that’s all he is asking. While I know I am still a work in progress, I know my Savior is prepared to get his hands dirty for me.